Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Paul McMullan Voted Philosopher-King of New World Order

Ex NOTW journalist and self proclaimed phone hacker Paul McMullen has become the philosopher-king of the United Kingdom following his testimony to the Leveson Inquiry wherein he broke all of morality.

Describing the hacking of Millie Dowler’s phone as “not a bad thing”, claiming that “privacy is for paedos” and describing how much fun chasing celebrities in cars was before the death of Princess Diana put a dampener on it, McMullen has succesfully broken all written and unwritten concepts of morality so very thoroughly that he has birthed a new philosophical and social movement that has swept through Britain and declared him king in less than a day.

McMullen unveils his Gospel of Black Nothingness

The journalist and pub owner, who was once labelled by his own mother as a “cretinous fuckstain who looks like a rodent sex offender but is actually so much worse” took the stand at the hearing at 2pm yesterday and had attained a higher level of human consciousness by 3.

It is thought to be after he outlined how he had one of ITV’s Gladiators fired for drug use after promising to use the story to make him into an anti-drugs role model that the intricate design of McMullen’s stark anti-morality began to emerge. McMullen, whose soul is the rough equivalent of a bin full of knives, then explained how privacy actually fostered evil and a palpable sense of impending Revelation is said to have gripped the room.

At first witnesses and participants in the inquiry alike were so taken aback by the torrent of hypocritical, loathsome- but still self righteous- bile that they simply muttered obscenities to themselves or were sick into the cupped hands that were collecting their tears. But as McMullen spoke more, his bleak inner landscape hammering at the superegoes of every thinking person, the room became unified. Cameras show the gallery looking up at the man as if anew as an attitude borne of what many describe as “a very real religious awakening” lit on all of their faces.

As another indistinguishably warped excuse for hacking the phones of grieving parents left his haunted and sallow face a single black tear was seen to spill from the eye of every attendant person in unison. The viscous coal-black tear evaporated as soon as it left the body and McMullen finally stopped talking about the moral imperative of reporting celebrity infidelity through the cunning use of lies and crime. It was in this moment that McMullen’s new amoral order was born.

Lord Justice Leveson was the first to rise from his seat and look wonderingly at the silent court. Still running BBC cameras caught him asking aloud; “wh-what has happened to me? Does anyone else feel.....”, the judge trailed off but the whole room at this point was becoming active, with people patting themselves down as though checking for injuries. “I feel like I’ve lost something...” continued Leveson, “but I feel Like anything is possible. Permitted”. Sitting silently and smiling serenely McMullen was recorded looking around the room in a satisfied fashion.

It was then that the room erupted into an orgy of violence, sexual aggression and thievery as the inhabitants took their first steps into a world where the concepts of right and wrong, of acceptable and unacceptable behaviour were rendered naught but a child’s mirage. Prosecuting attorney and convert Ian Beadle said,“nietzsche and Sartre may have said that the only real freedom is in life without God but McMullen has shown us the way. THIS is true freedom. No god, no love and no mercy. No hu-man-ity. This is our world now and he, our spiritual king.”

As news of McMullens scabrous thoughts were reported across the UK this same conversion process could be recorded. It was 7am today that McMullen took to his makeshift throne converted from a skip, sitting outside a sacked Parliament building.

“I’m just glad everyone’s finally got off their high-horses and seen things my way” said McMullen, (who looks like a rancid scarecrow somehow taught to feel only bitterness) to the disciples who are currently spreading his word throughout the land

Felix Prenderghast,
Senior Features Correspondent

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