Osborne Unveils Autumn Report, Proposes Return to Barter System

Economists and public sector workers, as well as everyone else, received a grim look into the financial future as Chancellor George Osborne unveiled his Autumn Statement where he outlined a proposed return to the medieval barter system of trade.

Osborne, speaking to the House of Commons said, “Our economy has become too bound to the unstable eurozone and the US market which is similarly hard to predict. With Greece’s fall and Italy’s crisis isn’t it time to cut ourselves off from these leperous limbs and pull away from the complicated business of stocks and shares and interest rates and lending. That’s what got us in this mess after all. I say to the people of Britain that if you can exchange a chicken for a bundle of firewood or a copy of Heat then that is what you should do from now on”

Osborne gives bleak outlook for low income workers

“People are sick of Government intervention and even more sick of bankers telling us what things are worth and how much we all collectiely owe somehow. The people of this country know how much things are worth, they know how many pigs you can trade for a plasma screen telly. We are a savvy nation; we know how to haggle. I believe that the great British public can easily transition to this simpler, less controlled, less arbitrary financial system.”

Chancellor Osborne also unveilled a series of new initiatives and cuts designed to transition Britain into the new financial system. Most notable were:

-Fuel pricing and distribution to now follow ‘mad max rules’

-Retirement age extended till “the dark relief of the grave”

-Public Sector workers can “fuck right off”

-All Jobcentres to be put on stilts accessible only by barbed wire ladders

-All Jobcentres to randomise their opening hours, to be open only 3 hours per week

-£1bn investment in alchemy

-Borrowing set to increase until someone sends bailiffs round to take all the roads

-All Unemployed under-20s asked to “please get a job. Somehow. Anywhere, just please do this for us. Either that or just don’t sign on. Or emigrate. Oh, and don’t breed.”

-Tax rates of highest earners to be revised, haha only kidding

Osborne admitted that “things do look a little bit Weimar” but assured the Commons that under his plan the cost of living would increase at a steady, dependable rate, that the average income would fall “entirely in line with what we can predict” and that very soon the times when we as a species attributed value to little pieces of paper or discs of metal would have passed and we would all see how silly it was to have done so.

Osborne faces fierce backlash over these measures but claims that critics should take comfor in the fact that if his plan takes effect then there will be no need for another Chancellor of the exchequer for another century at least.

Felix Prenderghast,

Senior Features Correspondent

George Osborne a ‘perma-tanned arse-ache’ since GQ award

Following his win of ‘Politician of the Year’ at the glossy GQ awards in September, Whitehall insiders have reported that George Osborne has become a “preening cockbag more concerned with moisturizers than the economy”. An unnamed civil servant has come forward to say that the gong has gone to the Chancellor of the Exchequer’s head and matters of party policy are taking a lower priority than ‘spray tans, poncy jeans and making torturous jokes about wanking.”

Osborne was said to have lowered the tone when accepting the award, making ill-conceived jokes about bankers and then masturbation that were received in a silence that was no doubt tinged with violent contempt for the powerfully placed Etonian. The anonymous civil servant who works closely with the coalition government claims,“That was the start of it. He was trying to fit in even there. Trying to be one of the lads. It’s spiralled out of control now. I passed him the other day and he smelled like a tart’s cadaver and he was wearing an ‘ironic’ cravat. Christ, this country’s doomed”

“He’s more style supplement than man now”

Others in government have have been more open about the change in Chancellor Osborne. Shadow Woodwind Secretary, Kenny Flask told the Guardian “I had to speak to him about a new public spending bill. I was talking for ten minutes but he wasn’t listening at all, he just looked at me really closely in this weird way. Then he starts on about how I should take care of my pores. Britain’s in a big pot of financial cock-stew, what with the recession and the state of the euro, and the man that’s meant to be on top of it is spending all of his time shopping for artisan watches and reading interviews with that pointy faced twonk from Twilight. Mind you, that cucumber balm has done wonders for my complexion.”

Many opposition MPs hope that these allegations will be followed up in a formal enquiry into Osborne’s professional conduct especially after reports of Osborne stumbling out of trendy London Hotspot The Físhmõnger’s with Kate Moss, Lilly Allen and an indie band, allegedly high on a club drug and loudly boasting about setting up the Office of Budget Responsibility in 2010 and making off colour jokes about a Greek trade delegation.

If these allegations are proved to be true Osborne’s political career may be over. David Cameron has already lent his support to his longtime political ally, saying “George always conducts himself in a proper and professional manner. If he’s started taking a little more pride in his appearance then that’s his prerogative. I haven’t seen his work suffer one bit.” The Prime Minister was less vocal when asked why he was suddenly sporting a gelled faux-hawk, pink FCUK polo shirt and enormous Gucci sunglasses just like the average trendy GQ reading idiot, instead calling the press conference to an end and storming off to a previous spa appointment.

Felix Prenderghast,

Senior Features Correspondent