Thursday, 14 March 2013

Panicked, Near Feral Catholics Finally Receive Guidance

The worldwide chaos and confusion brought on by the resignation of Pope Benedict has today been resolved with the appointment of a new head of the church.

Many Catholics around the world, without the guidance of a titular head have been seen engaging in strange, dangerous and un-Catholic behaviours as the Pope-void has left millions uncertain of what to do from one second to the next. As a direct result, murder statistics, ox worship, idolatry, bumming and ‘general evil’ have all increased exponentially in the last week.

Senior British clergy have reacted with alarm in the past few weeks to the spectacle of their followers leaving blood sacrifices, giving offerings of livestock or simply mashing their faces against a crucifix while making low moaning noises

Many have turned to guidance in the familiar catholic iconography found in DVD boxsets of Father Ted while other rudderless Catholics have chosen to make their own idols to worship out of mud and hay and bits of horse.

Without anyone occupying the role of Pope statistics have shown that 12% of the church have defected to Protestantism  8% have taken up voodoo, 7.5% have regressed to worship the wrathful Zeus and a worrying 6% have banded together to form a new religion based around the worship of fire, the imbibing of menstrual blood and a confusing morass of images centring on the veteran character actor Albert Finney. The Finneyans have taken over a small Scottish island and have been filmed constructing an enormous, hollow jackal out of wicker.

It is unknown how they will react to the reinstitution of regular Popery

Senior Church spokesman Cardinal Ferrero Roche told us: “This madness really stresses the importance of the role of Pope in today’s world. Cynics like to say that the church has no real impact on the day to day lives of believers but look at the last few weeks. Lorries overturned in the streets, waves of rampant buggery, fires engulfing our cities, rivers of blood, children howling from the gutters, teenagers taking up abortion as a hobby, babies being cured of AIDS."

“It’s all backwards. These are all signs of a distinct Pope-lack. But we-I mean God- finally chose a new one, so we have stability again, finally”

The new Pope, who was previously known as Cardinal Jorge ‘The Body’ Bergoglio of Beunos Aires, has assured the church that regular Catholic services have been resumed and that the regular flow of moral guidance stemming from ancient texts is as normal. The speech has ended the dervish of secular chaos sweeping the globe.

However Pope Francis has already come under fire from the newly calmed Catholics for his murky non-nazi past as well as his stated intentions to crack down on the established church traditions of child rape and poking holes in the condoms of AIDs carrying african males with a hot needle.

However, despite this controversy, the new Pope has said that he will try his best to Pope the church into a state of relevance for modern catholics, through a series of balcony speeches and events where he waves at people from inside a perspex cube.

When approached for a statement, God told us that he was ‘well chuffed’ with the new man and looks forward to working with him in the days before the Rapture.


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