Thursday, 14 March 2013

Boston Dynamics Closer to Synthesizing First Robotic Glaswegian

Robotics giants Boston Dynamics have today unveiled their recent breakthroughs in their attempts to copy the shambling but tenacious walking and blind aggressive brick throwing behaviors of the Glaswegian in their newest robot- BigMalky.

Their automaton, which was previously capable of roughly aping human walking (though more slowly and in a zig zagging pattern towards the offie) has now been fitted with an arm capable of roughly hurling cinderblocks at the polis.

The artificial weegie is being called ‘Big Malky 4.6’ by the designers and is being considered for real life tests in Old Firm matches as early as August this year, where its new hydraulic arm will be put into effect throwing half full cans of special brew at Rangers fans.

Lead designer Robert C Nesbitt told us: “Our initial intention was to copy the locomotion of an ordinary human, but the challenges that this represented are- quite simply- too great for engineering right now. We had to take it down a step. That’s when we happened upon video of a native of glasgow encountering the same locomotive problems that we were facing. Problems maintaining balance, direction and consistent speed. That’s when the idea for Malky hit us like a bottle of buckfast to the brain”

The robot is funded by DARPA and is intended to carry large quantities of troop munitions and tins of Export over long distances. However it has long been thought that arming the machine with guns or ballistic missiles was a possibility. However, in keeping with its heritage the team decided to eschew a firearm and instead make Malky lob pieces of masonry with hideous force in a drunken stumble.

The video released by the company has showed the power and rough aim of the new arm (which will later be adorned with a poorly spelled tattoo) which can accurately fling bricks accurately at any nearby closed pub, giro centre or English person, while almost staying upright and within two meters of its starting position.

Nesbitt explained: "We took our lead watching an old guy from around Easterhouse fling a traffic cone full of sick at a schoolbus. If you watch a side by side comparison it's pretty much dead on"

However many have criticized the robot for its slow pace of walking, its enormous energy consumption and its rabid hatred of anyone born south of Dumfries.  However Nesbitt has been vocal in its defense, saying : "It’s still a great achievement. The robot is still very hard to knock over, can keep its balance on ice, uphill, or when pushed by as many as three young ‘neds’"

Boston Dynamics are currently promising to unveil Malky just in time for the referendum of scottish independence when at least five units will be stationed outside of polling places, swaying slightly and brandishing their newest innovation: an old stanley knife on a stick


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