The US state of South Dakota has today put a law into action wherein all school classes will be taught in a large, tense circle with teachers and students alike pointing guns at each other in the classic circular 'mexican standoff' formation. As of June all classes in the state will, by law, consist of armed teachers and students nervously watching each other with weapons drawn, entreating each other to put the guns down and learning the syllabus of the day.
The Mexican Stand Off Agreement (MSOA), which was drafted by Conservative Senator Robert Rodriguez, is designed to put an end to the possibilities of school shootings, since any discharge of weaponry in a classroom will-under the new arrangement- immediately bring about mutually assured destruction similar to the end of Reservoir Dogs or that bit in True Romance.
Senator Rodriguez told Congress; “Unfortunately, these days we can’t know who is armed and who is not. But there is one thing you can know: the chances of an unbalanced kid firing a gun in a school goes down if you’re already training the sights of your steyr aug on his throat. We took this thought to its natural conclusion”
Gun laws have been under review in the last year with various proposals to cut down the inevitable, clockwork procession of school massacres, being asessed by the Obama administration. Proposals such as arming only teachers, arming only PE teachers, arming janitors, putting a lone NRA sniper in the back of every classroom and giving all teachers heavily armed podiums to teach from were all scrapped in favor of MSOA
Rodriguez continued, “In the wake of the Sandy Hook shooting, the spate of copycat slaughters and the school shootings that are statistically probably happening right now, the nation’s gun laws were under serious scrutiny. People need to feel safe and the nation was looking for answers. Some politicians actually suggested that decreasing the amount of machines specifically designed to kill in our schools was the answer. Thankfully we got past that madness and have enacted the MSOA”
“Under this new law, we know exactly who among our students, teachers and dinnerladies is armed (all of them)and when they are armed (always). We also know that they are being scrutinized closely by people who will turn their faces into lead-riddled mince at the first sign of violence. Each child experiences the empowerment and security of holding, say, two uzis but they also know that any untoward behaviour could result in the person to their immediate left or right flipping out and extinguishing their lives in a hail of righteous teflon coated bullets”
“Plus, the focus that these students exhibit now that all classes are circles of death, is quite impressive.”
Some reluctant teachers have lodged complaints, however, stating that writing on chalkboards, turning pages or marking attendance sheets is significantly harder while simultaneously training two berettas on students and not letting their guard down for so much as a second. However the program’s backers have assured teachers and students that appropriate training will be provided by a team of specialists well versed in Mexican standoffs made up of NRA volunteers, ex-SWAT members and meth kingpins
Several test runs of the program have shown remarkable success, with less than 30% ending in bloodbaths after less than twenty minutes. Surviving students have reportedly seen increases to their attention spans, debate skills and upper arms strength
South Dakota teacher Vincent Vega told us: “Absolutely nothing can go wrong with this. The answer to gun violence is almost TOO simple; more guns. Mountains of guns. A constant metal river of sexy, safe guns flowing into our places of learning. I’ve always said- no schoolchild should be unfamiliar with the sight of a gun muzzle.”