Thursday, 23 August 2012

Republican Politicians Press for Criminal Prosecution of Ellen Ripley

In what is becoming a landmark case for the embattled American Republican Party on the subject of abortion, American lawmakers are today being lobbied to find Weyland Yutani employee Ellen Ripley guilty for the practice of repeated unlawful termination of pregnancy.

The GOP, which is attempting to pass laws against abortion even in cases of sexual assault, incest and intergalactic xenomorphic face-rape has, in the past few months, made Ms. Ripley’s workplace misconduct tribuneral the centrepiece of their ‘pro-life’ agenda, citing her repeated insistence ending the gestations of pregnancy by the use of flamethrowers, pulse rifles and smelting plants overseen by Pete Postlethwaite as an ugly example of the left wing’s healthcare agenda

The defendant 

Todd Akin, who drew fire from the Democrats when he explained that women could shut down their reproductive organs
-like a shop- when sexually assaulted was again vocal on the case of Ripley.

“I’m no doctor” claimed the congressman to a visibly shocked audience, “but i think we all know that the human body has the biological facility to close down when a facehugger attaches itself to you and pumps eggs down your larynx to gestate between your lungs and then burst from between your ribs. That’s why so very few expeditions to the planet LV-426 end up in full pregnancy. ”

He conceded, “Yes, there are a few cases of ‘legitimate’ chest-bursting. But we feel that statistically and medically these are in the minority and we are well within our rights to legislate against blowing embryos out of an airlock and into the cold void of space”

A legitimate rape

However, the Democrat party, several pressure groups and a small band of  rough and ready space marines have come out in support of Ripley’s astounding record of late-term abortions.

Ripley’s legal defender, PFC William Hudson told us, “A woman’s body is her own. We can’t make decisions for her and besides, there are unfortunate violent cases where to terminate a pregnancy is the right thing to do, such as in when an eyeless biomechanical horror from beyond the stars plants its progeny in your torso against your will. If we pass laws against abortion it’ll be game over, man, game over.”

Representatives of the Tea Party- who mostly come at night, mostly- have joined the campaign by protesting outside of congress and starting e-petitions calling for the jailing of Ellen Ripley for four hundred and seventy five counts of abortion, seventy counts of murder and almost a dozen counts of destruction of company property.


A Tea Party spokesman named David told us “Life is a precious thing, and big things have small beginnings. One can only imagine how the world would be if those lives had blossomed. Now, we understand that there will be a few legitimate cases rape that our laws will demand that the ‘victim’- or,  under our new legislation ‘criminal’- will be required to birth, either from their reproductive organs or through their ribcages, but we feel that life is precious and valuable. Unless you’re a mother.”

The criminal prosecution of Ellen Ripley is due to conclude in October. If found guilty miss Ripley will face a life sentence in an old metal factory with a bunch of bald blokes and a suspiciously pregnant dog.


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