Wednesday, 8 August 2012

Congress to Consider Revising Gun Laws Once “48% of Americans Have Been Shot in the Face”

Following the tragic events of the recent Wisconsin shooting and Colorado’s Aurora massacre President Obama has announced the need to review US gun control policy, which currently allows anyone with two hands and a terrifying thousand yard stare  to purchase however many high powered assault rifles that they like and as much C4 as their wheelbarrows can carry.

Members of Congress agreed with the President yesterday and a bill was passed that ensures that a limit on gun purchases will be passed as soon as gun fatalities in America exceed the ‘unacceptable level’ of fourty eight percent of the country’s population.

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“It is clear that a line must be drawn.” Claimed republican representative John Matrix , “but at the same time we cannot infringe on any American’s God given right to buy enough heavy ordinance to annex Poland. Our compromise is to install a cast-iron safeguard that if the amount of people that are shot in the face by psychotic white supremacists armed with automatic drum magazine AA12 shotguns with explosive, acid filled shells reaches just under half of the population then we WILL convene to think about meeting to draft a law to maybe curb the sale of heavy artillery in some parts of the country on Tuesdays.”

He continued, “Many of the Democratic candidates have taken to protesting about our lasseiz-faire attitude to handing out guns to whoever says that they really, really just want one, and have been pointedly asking how many such tragedies need to occur before we stop arming the mentally unstable. Well now you have your answer: three hundred and two thousand.”

However Congress has agreed to several measures to stem gun purchases out of respect for the victims. The fleet of vans which drive around neighbourhoods in the summer playing jingles from a speaker which sell handguns, uzi submachine guns and ice lollies are being decommissioned temporarily.

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Many feel that the fault lies with the ease with which an American citizen can purchase seventeen bazookas. The current system, which demands that a firearm applicant present either a valid passport,  a note from their parents, four dollars or a human skull before they can gain a license has been called lax. The security protocol where gun buyers are required to pinkie swear that they won’t carry out any massacres has also had its efficacy brought into question.

However NRA president Travis Bickle has opposed Congress’s new measure, saying “It’s a right that’s guaranteed by the Constitution. If you know anything about the Constitution you will know that it’s never been changed or amended because of changes in society- changes like the development of heat seeking surface-to-air missiles, napalm shotguns or a new kind of bullet that can shoot through a lead car and still have enough force to explode a pony’s head.”

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“So you can stow all that liberal nonsense about taking our guns away. If the price of having the RIGHT to buy enough ordinance to flatten Finland because i choose to is that several thousand innocent people have to be shot through the neck and lie dying in a panicked stampede as yet another lone gunman turns another building into an abattoir, well, that’s just the price of our precious, red white and blue freedom. This is America!”


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