Tuesday, 31 July 2012

Ri Sol-Ju Selects Katie Holmes as Maid of Honour

The controversial and entirely consensual  marriage of North Korea’s chubby faced fascist Kim Jong-Un and ex pop singer Ri Sol-Ju has  attracted more attention today when it was revealed that Ms. Sol-Ju has insisted that- for the official marriage ceremony- the Ex-Dawson’s Creek actress Katie Holmes should be selected as the Maid of Honour.

The unusual choice is thought to be a result of the Batman Begins actress’s recent marriage to level-headed scientologist megastar Tom Cruise who many are comparing to North Korea’s divisive leader Kim Jong-Un.


The diminutive and isolated fanatic is known to incite excited fervor amongst his followers. In his secure compound he has cultivated an aura of intense mystery and fascination around what many suspect as being  clandestine and illegal activities that should be under investigation by the UN. He also recently starred in Rock of Ages.

An Unnamed North korean insider told us: “The stresses of living with a total mentalist who thinks that he’s the embodiment of all of the energy of the universe is a tough thing for a new bride. Between choosing a dress, planning the wedding’s theme, visiting her family in their concentration camp and inviting all of her friends it’s bound to be a strain. Add to that the fact that Ri will also be dealing with a husband who fervently believes that his soul is magic, that he can fire missiles from his brain made of communist thought energy and that his malnourished country of sad eyed skeleton people will rise up to conquer the west...well, the bride could well develop cold feet. That may be why she is seeking expert help.”

“There are very few women in the world who will be able to guide Ri Sol-Ju from a career of mediocre entertainment to a career of fellating a four foot psychopath who thinks he can blow up America with lazer thought bombs given to him by an alien king/ghost of a father who is a god. Katie Holmes is one of those people.”

Holmes, who is fresh from an amicable divorce hearing in which she reluctantly promised Mr. Cruise ownership of all of her ancestor’s energy signatures that live inside her aura in exchange for a settlement of eighty seven million dollars, has made no official reply as yet.

However it is thought that she has already sent Ri Sol-Ju an encouraging letter which details various warnings about the pitfalls of being attached to such a public figure who also happens to think that rainbows are a direct result of his happy thoughts. Ms Holmes is also rumoured to have counselled the merits of ‘going dead inside’ and advised that hobbies are a good idea. Holmes endorsed her favourite hobby of digging holes in the dead of night while a papier mache version of yourself lay in your guarded room.


Though officially married, Kim Jong-Un will be holding a public wedding ceremony in October for the edification of his people. The ceremony- scheduled for two days after America is ‘shattered by my great nation’s kryptonite neutron rockets’- will be held in the couple’s palatial home to a delighted audience and several hundred men with machine guns.

Korean officials state that the ceremony is still open to Ms Holmes unless she is busy pursuing her career of making movies mediocre.


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