Monday, 30 July 2012

Findings Suggest Reducing Salt Intake ‘Worse than Cancer’

The World Cancer research fund (WCRF) has released findings today that indicate that cutting the intake of foods that are high in sodium chloride like bacon, pizza and rough handfuls of rock salt would significantly reduce the threat of stomach cancer.

However, in response to this claim a coalition of portly blokes from Essex named Barry have come forward to declare its counter-findings: namely that a saltless diet has been found to be just as bad, if not worse than having untreatable stomach tumours. The findings-  taken from the group’s study which was carried out  by closely observing the people going into Pret-a-Manger through the window of the Red Lion pub- has caused a stir in both the scientific and fat bloke communities.


The coalition of rotund plumbers and bricklayers have come out strongly against  legislation that would limit the sale of high salt foodstuffs, making the purchase of deep fried pizzas, hotdog stuffed doughnuts or shoulders of ham boiled in butter much harder for the british consumer.

Lead bloke Barry Butcher told us : “this proposed legislation is just not in keeping with today’s britain. Just as previous generations have defined our country through, say, the spirit of the blitz or its regal austerity we must say that the main thing that unites all modern britons is a deep and abiding love of Gregg’s. It’s what makes us who we are.”

However despite their overall opposition, the coalition has come out in support of plans to more clearly label foodstuffs that are the WCRF consider dangerous, going so far as to propose labels of their own making. These range from a thumbs up sign to a picture of Ricky Tomlinson eating a  gammon steak to a small picture of Jamie Oliver gently weeping near a chubby six year old.


Though leading nutritional scientists and doctors have stated that the link between a diet’s sodium levels and the risk of cancer are medically convincing the portly blokes have countered by claiming that the link between a platefull of cumberland sausages soaked in gravy and a well nice, slap-up dinner were far more pressing and reliable

“If anyone here is an expert on salt consumption here it’s us. When it comes to trusting a source on the positives and negatives of inhaling service station pasties, are you going to trust some anaemic doctor or are you going to trust a lorry driver from Doncaster who can play keepy-up with his own tits? the answer is simple; trust the experts. Salt males things fookin’ delicious."


The coalition went on to show several slides that linked the consumption of cous-cous with being a ‘massive bender’ and their studies which reveal a possible link between levels of vitamin D and the tendency to be a speccy twat who is no good at darts.

Butcher continued “There are a lot of angles to consider in terms of diet. Low sodium levels may well cut the risk of one malady (cancer) but it puts you directly in the firing line of a more serious issue (not eating twelve inch meat feast pizzas any more).”

“We simply want to present both sides of the argument.”

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