Monday, 30 July 2012

Polls Show the Majority of the Olympics Being Watched for Wrong Reasons

Despite their impressive viewing figures and the revenue being generated, television watchdog Ofcom has published findings today which suggest that up to 65% of the people tuning in to watch the London Olympics are doing so for entirely unwholesome reasons.

In a poll carried out in part by the BBC’s online service, partly through the monitoring of viewing times and partly through an online questionnaire, Ofcom has warned Olympic organizers that, despite its billing as the definitive test of human physical aptitude and a generation’s largest sporting challenge, the majority of people tuning in seem to be more interested in women’s beach volleyball and foreigners falling off of poles.



Olympic spokesperson Sally Gunnel told us : “There will always be a section of the public who will be more interested in women’s tennis than the slightly less noise-centric fare like archery or hammer throwing but these figures are truly surprising. According to this only around one hundred and four people actually watched our fencing coverage, while twenty seven million people watched the trampolining event.”

“It really makes you think about your priorities.”

So far the event which is expected to see the most viewer interest will be the women’s gymnastics. An opinion poll show that while three percent are interested in seeing the sport, an unprecedented seventy percent admit to tuning in to watch flexible young women spin about on pommels while grunting. Even more upsettingly the remaining twenty seven percent admit that they will be watching for the chance to see the spectacle of lithe polish teenagers weeping in leotards.


Oh yes.

Ofcom official Jemimah Fiddletuck has stated; “Our polls show that while a good chunk of our audience is looking for a strangely specific fetish- like athletic women being disappointed in sandpits- the larger section are those who seem to be expecting some kind of disaster. Weight lifting is always a crowd pleaser with the prominent threat of a squat barrel-like man getting a hernia or aneurysm or just making a big mess on the floor.”

“Meanwhile pole vaulting, the javelin and archery are being heavily recorded and Tivo’d. We think that this is largely down to the high probability of fit people from other countries falling down embarrassingly or skewering a bystander with a large piece of sporting equipment”

“We haven’t seen anything this base or disappointing since our coverage of the paralympic judo event broke all known records”


Oh god yes.

However in light of these recent viewer demands the BBC has responded by giving viewers the option of switching to an optional audio track during specific events which replaces the commentary with soft saxophone music. This option also increases the frequency of slow motion replays and is being introduced in time for the female Handball event (in which the Brazilian team is heavily favoured).


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