A new study released by the Home office suggests that vuvuzela salesmen, the team of satirists controlling Boris Johnson and Sebastian Coe are not the only people to be positively affected by London’s hosting of the 2012 olympic games; cockney street urchins, pickpockets and homeless ruffians have seen a marked increase in their income with financial experts claiming that the summer event could bring their largely defunct profession back to the nation’s capital.
Economists have noted the sharp decrease in cheeky coal covered chancers on the streets of the nation’s capital, a fact that has all but exterminated the previously lucrative profession of child catcher, thief trainer and wholesale orphan supplier that had been so prevalent during the city’s boom years.
Economist Oliver Jaggers told us : “The city of London used to be the centre of the world and in that time children as young as seven could easily earn a decent living by shining shoes, nicking wallets from unsuspecting society types or simply assembling a posse of grubby faced urchins and menacing someone with a switchblade.”
The upturn in cockney crime has also seen a resurgence in rosey-cheeked whores selling their wares on street corners or under bridges and the ever-present rippers that prey on them, news that has been welcomed by the Tourist Board and the makers of Crimewatch
Durham University’s chief Cockneyologist Dr. Raymond W Stone told us; “The natural state of the cockney is ripping off middle class ‘tossers’ and ‘scarpering’ from the ‘rozzers’ and inventing new and colourful rhyming slang terms for police officers. despite the invention of Vinnie Jones in the late nineties, which corrupted this ideal, the influx of tourists standing about on tube stations looking confused while holding big maps with expensive cameras around their necks has been like a catalyst to the traditional cockney.”
Nominal pearly king and mayor Boris Johnson has introduced measures to control Cockney behaviour, such as increasing the number of chubby policemen on the street corners who are tasked with chasing after rapscallions who pinch apples from fruit stalls while shouting “Oi you little terror come back ‘ere!”. London’s social services are also being revamped, with Orphanage representatives being offered incentives to wander the foggy streets at dusk ringing a copper bell shouting “Boys for sale” (a measure that was previously confined to certain streets of soho)
Despite their popularity with the tourists cockney chancers have proven elusive with most denying involvement in the thriving trade. One such youth told us “I ain’t done nuffink, gov. i wa’nt even there. I was out wiv my ol’ china Pete; he’ll vouch for us. Say, that’s a fancy watch you got there, squire. Can I ‘av a quick butchers?”