Obama Finally Prepared to Establish Socialist State of ‘Unmerica’

Following his re-election this Tuesday and despite the dire warnings of right-wing pundits Barrack Obama has, in his inaugural speech as two-term President finally announced that he will begin dismantling the American Dream and extinguishing christian values wherever they appear.

The very black Kenyan despot made the announcement last night from the lawn of the White House, in front of a team of socialist stormtroopers who were spraying the iconic building a mixture of blood-red and black in a move that Conservative broadcasters called “frighteningly predictable”.

To rapturous applause Obama began, “Thank you for giving me this chance. I know my first term was in some senses a disappointment. I had to deal with the financial crisis and I also had to lay tracks for the changes that I and the rest of the Democratic party promised. We had to establish Obamacare, we had to start working on abortion reform, we had to learn to walk in the daylight and we had to pull our troops from Afghanistan. Now, with this new pooowerrr and the promise of four more years I can begin the real change.”

“Here is the change I promised thee.”

“Finally I have the chance to do what I have always wanted. This is now officially a socialist state. Rogue abortionists on horseback will prowl the streets tearing the unborn from the wombs of any woman...well, any white woman. The military will be dismantled, the smoking of legal marijuana will replace the recitation of the pledge of allegiance in our schools and all of your guns will be melted down and turned into a giant statue of my friend Jay-Z’s big face.”

To an increasingly unsettled silence from his audience, the visibly excited incumbent President continued, “Money shall be abolished. Each week the government will issue each person fifteen peuce discs which will be the basis of a barter system and all boys who come of age shall toil in the salt mines for a mandatory six years. These labours will form the basis of the new glorious state of Unmerica.”

“Unmerica- all are equal, and all are worthless”

“As for God?” The President continued, looked visibly pained as he spoke the word, “Me and Biden will have that name scrubbed from every inch of this land. In keeping with my new laws any who keep any holy books will be put to the pits where monkeys will beat them to death- a reminder of my might and of the rule of evolution, which will be taught to children until they realize that they are just dumb animals spawned randomly from ancient slime and then later hippos.”

The announcement of the abolition of capitalism and democracy, though shocking to many, is in keeping with many of the election predictions of conservative and Tea Party members, who warned of the shadow of socialism blotting out the sun if Mitt Romney was to be defeated at the polls.

Level headed prophets such as Donald Trump, Megyn Kelly, Roscharch, Glenn Beck and Tod Akin were noted voices of dissent against the march of socialism during the election but were roundly ignored due to being 'laughable'. However, this Tuesday an unprecedented amount of latinos, homosexuals and serpents turned out in the polling booths to cast their vote for Obama.

The new state of Unmerica, whose flag depicts a bowing man under an enormous black eye, has already withdrawn from the UN, cut communications from the rest of the west and began to enforce daily prayer sessions to Allah

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British Cynicism to Resume at 12pm

As the last of the fireworks died in the skies above the nation’s capital and the Spice Girls were quietly and humanely euthanized by a specialist team, the London 2012 Olympic Games came to an end with a triumphant ceremony that celebrated everything good to have ever come out of Britain;  chiefly, small cars, One Direction and Sally Gunnell

However, in keeping with NHS warnings about an excess of the alien concept of ‘national pride’ and ‘optimism’ that the event has been pumping insidiously into the national psyche, Olympics organisers have projected the image of a large clock in the skies of central London. The clock, which is counting down to a time when Britons can finally stop being upbeat and proud about Laura Trott and can go back to being mournful shambling shades who live only to whinge about the drizzle and the exorbitant mortgage rates.

The clock- shaped like the weeping face of Adrian Chiles- will reach the end of its countdown at noon today, at which point  a loud klaxon recording of Nick Griffin misquoting Churchill to incite football hooligans to kick Sikhs to death will be sounded- this is to remind the nation that it’s the proper time to resume feeling thoroughly defeated and bitter.

“We have been worried about the medical ramifications of the Games for some time.” Claims NHS spokesperson Annette Shuttlebum  “The British frame is simply not prepared to process ‘pride’ or ‘joy’. When the opening ceremonies turned out to NOT be something predictably disspiriting like the cast of Emmerdale wrestling in an old tarpaulin next to a Catherine wheel, backed by the sounds of Kasabian, well, the emergency rooms took in 200,000 people who were suffering from an anaphylactic shock.”

“We were prepared for anything except the slim possibility of it being anything other than a gigantic, mismanaged cock souffle.”

“When Greg Rutherford won the Men’s Long Jump gold, fourteen people died, their blood be upon him”

NHS experts were said to be comfortable with the level of shambles leading up to the event, with the stadium being built by sarcastic thieves and, more recently Sebastian Coe shooting anyone who was not sponsored directly by Coca-Cola in the neck with a harpoon gun. However, when Danny Boyle’s opening extravaganza stirred somrthing alien and ancient and...warm in the British hearts, hospitals were notified to brace for the worst.

The opening celebration claimed many lives through the medical trauma associated with national goodwill but hospitals around the country have been warning the government that the continued positivity being generated by the event was threatening to overwhelm the nervous systems, claiming a death toll the equivalent of the population of Doncaster at the first sight of women’s boxing champion Natasha Jonas punching a lady with her cushioned fists.

Olympic Official Jessica Bumbridge assured us that the worst is over, “Now Chris Hoy has been put out to stud, the gold medals have been sent off by the athletes to Cash4Gold, and the sight of Tinchy Strider riding a Union Jack firework into the skies as a stadium of thousands joined in one voice to sing Duran Duran’s Hungry like the Wolf is starting to fade in our collective memory like the morning after an ecstasy trip”

“When the clock strikes 12, it’ll be like this never happened.”

Steps are being taken to ease the public back into the normalcy of resigned fatalism and open weeping in the streets. the BBC’s post-Olympics coverage, for example, is being presented by four taciturn Yorkshiremen none of whom have much time for them bloody showoffs in ‘that London’, also any future televised discussion of the event is to be accompanied by a small window depicting the bleak and defeated face of Nick Clegg rotating like a kebab

It is expected that Britons will be back to moaning about the recession and commuting and Jamie Oliver’s weird mouth by Friday

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North Korea Announces It Won All of the Olympics

Olympics news: In an historic sweep, North Korea has won every gold medal at the London 2012 Olympics, sources in the country’s media have confirmed today.

The news broke on the nation’s news channel KCTV (their motto: ‘KCTV: Fair and Balanced’) earlier today when the country’s newly-wed fascist leader and Olympic gold winning hurdler Kim Jong-Un arrived back in Pyongyang fresh from his flight from London’s olympic village, weighed down by six hundred and seventy two gold medals-  a new world record.

A KCTV opined this morning,   “It is a great sign of the undeniable athletic power of our nation under the unquestionable leadership of Kim Jong-Un- the strongest and fastest man who has ever lived”

Despite a rocky start, where North korean athletes were introduced under South Korea’s flag, the notoriously fun loving nation were seen to laugh off the gaffe, and assured olympic officials that there were absolutely no hard feelings and it really didn’t matter to them anyway.

Kim Jong-Un’s reported performance at the games came as the real surprise however, with many sportsmen reportedly being surprised at the fact that a man leading one of the world’s most flourishing economies and military forces would have the time to become the best pole vaulter in the world. Others were reportedly incredulous at the sight of the Glorious Leader single handedly winning the rowing events and completing the baton race without any other athletes to aid him.

“Having thoroughly conquered the British in their own country and besting those decadent American dogs in the hundred metre butterfly stroke, it is clear that my nation is superior in every way- both in our ability to successfully fire rockets and in our ability to beat the heavily tipped Brazilian women’s beach volleyball team in straight sets.”

The success of the North Korean athletes is being put down to their strict regimen of exercise, gorging themselves on a handful of rice a week and the fact that their mother’s would be guillotined in a city square if they got anything less than a silver.

 

Olympic showjumping Gold

As for Kim Jong-Un’s stupefying abilities, the mysterious young leader has stated that they are due to “the ghost  of my father which lives inside my lungs and fills me with the strength of a thousand lions, the speed of seventy-one Jamaicans and the nuclear fire of fifty of our secret warrhea-I mean eagles. The nuclear fire of fifty eagles.”

KCTV reported that the Dear Leader and his athletes won in a surprisingly vast field of events including the 300m traitor shooting, the 200m conga, the bobsleigh, the 1000m landmine pole vault, rhythmic gymnastics, rhythmic waterboarding, dressage and the full contact hammer-throw.

 

The world's fastest man, seen here trailing behind Kim Jong-Un

Though neither KCTV or North Korea’s government officials have sought verification from London or the Guinness world record organisation the country is celebrating their victory by wailing in the street for five uninterrupted days as the country’s military fires celebratory ballistic missiles indiscriminately in all directions into the Pacific Ocean.

Meanwhile it has been found that new bride Ri Sol-Ju has been paying tribute to her country’s brave athletes in her own way by trying to vault over walls, swim over vast expanses of water and run very far, very fast

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Mayan Prophecy Foretold Death of the Sun in 2012

Experts in the history and culture of the Mayan people have come forward recently to claim that clues left in their calenders and writings may indicate that they were able to predict the closure of the Sun newspaper.

Professor Christmas Jones told us, “We have long known that the Mayans were involved in mystical pre-determination through their calenders and their love of child sacrifices, but when we read ominous portents that 'The Sun would become corrupted. Would wither and fall in the year 2012' I admit we kind of went barking up the wrong tree.”

Professor Jones, who is making a BBC4 documentary about the findings, showed us some ancient tablets that seem to point to the dissolution of the paper, which for many years has been the chief source of bigotry and tits for builders. One tablet shows a shadowy figure flanked by feathered serpents, throwing himself before the Sun and trying to protect it.

Professor Jones explained, “This is a figure that was called the 'Murr-docq' a powerful demi-god that comes from a hellishly hot plane of existence full of snakes and poison. We had assumed that this was an early analog for our Christian conception of the Devil and Hell, but I think we can see now that it clearly references Media tycoon Rupert Murdoch and Australia respectively”

“The fact that Mr. Murdoch has been privately breeding feathered serpents just compounds this theory.”

“In the stories the priests of the Sun attempt to gain a higher knowledge, by the giving of sacrifices and tributes to the Mayan gods of Law. Unknown by them is that this knowledge- including the words of a public figure known as 'Roo-Nee' who we're trying to find a match for- contained within it the seeds of a great corruption that infected the Sun and caused it to drop from the sky like a rotted pear.”

Commenting on the possibility that this newer theory may nullify the popular wish that the earth would be entirely wiped out in 2012, Professor Jones told us, “I hate to say it, but that John Cusack film might have been pretty far off the mark, here.”

The release of this exciting new theory has come hot on the heels of four Sun journalists being detained by the police they used to bribe, in a situation that most agree will be handled in a completely above board manner with absolutely no shadowy deals.

Ominously floppy faced News International owner Rupert Murdoch has also come forward publically to claim that the Sun will not close, despite the predetermined course of events.

Murdoch told the Press today: “I have complete faith in the Scotland Yard team leading the investigation into corruption and bribery. I know Chief Inspector Ian Hunt (who has two daughters, an ex-wife called Linda and the voicemail code 3569) will get to the bottom of it. And Detective Constable Allan Turner won't let his drinking problem or his mistress Delilah interfere with the investigation.”


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