Obama Finally Prepared to Establish Socialist State of ‘Unmerica’

Following his re-election this Tuesday and despite the dire warnings of right-wing pundits Barrack Obama has, in his inaugural speech as two-term President finally announced that he will begin dismantling the American Dream and extinguishing christian values wherever they appear.

The very black Kenyan despot made the announcement last night from the lawn of the White House, in front of a team of socialist stormtroopers who were spraying the iconic building a mixture of blood-red and black in a move that Conservative broadcasters called “frighteningly predictable”.

To rapturous applause Obama began, “Thank you for giving me this chance. I know my first term was in some senses a disappointment. I had to deal with the financial crisis and I also had to lay tracks for the changes that I and the rest of the Democratic party promised. We had to establish Obamacare, we had to start working on abortion reform, we had to learn to walk in the daylight and we had to pull our troops from Afghanistan. Now, with this new pooowerrr and the promise of four more years I can begin the real change.”

“Here is the change I promised thee.”

“Finally I have the chance to do what I have always wanted. This is now officially a socialist state. Rogue abortionists on horseback will prowl the streets tearing the unborn from the wombs of any woman...well, any white woman. The military will be dismantled, the smoking of legal marijuana will replace the recitation of the pledge of allegiance in our schools and all of your guns will be melted down and turned into a giant statue of my friend Jay-Z’s big face.”

To an increasingly unsettled silence from his audience, the visibly excited incumbent President continued, “Money shall be abolished. Each week the government will issue each person fifteen peuce discs which will be the basis of a barter system and all boys who come of age shall toil in the salt mines for a mandatory six years. These labours will form the basis of the new glorious state of Unmerica.”

“Unmerica- all are equal, and all are worthless”

“As for God?” The President continued, looked visibly pained as he spoke the word, “Me and Biden will have that name scrubbed from every inch of this land. In keeping with my new laws any who keep any holy books will be put to the pits where monkeys will beat them to death- a reminder of my might and of the rule of evolution, which will be taught to children until they realize that they are just dumb animals spawned randomly from ancient slime and then later hippos.”

The announcement of the abolition of capitalism and democracy, though shocking to many, is in keeping with many of the election predictions of conservative and Tea Party members, who warned of the shadow of socialism blotting out the sun if Mitt Romney was to be defeated at the polls.

Level headed prophets such as Donald Trump, Megyn Kelly, Roscharch, Glenn Beck and Tod Akin were noted voices of dissent against the march of socialism during the election but were roundly ignored due to being 'laughable'. However, this Tuesday an unprecedented amount of latinos, homosexuals and serpents turned out in the polling booths to cast their vote for Obama.

The new state of Unmerica, whose flag depicts a bowing man under an enormous black eye, has already withdrawn from the UN, cut communications from the rest of the west and began to enforce daily prayer sessions to Allah

MM

Anti Scots Independence Group Spring Sheridan

As the debate for Scottish Independence from Great Britain escalates a radical group of anti independence campaigners last night freed the very orange socialist Tommy Sheridan in a daring raid that is thought to be a bid to scupper Scottish nationalists plans

It was in the early hours of the morning that Sheridan was sprung from the medium security Galloway Penitentiary for the Politically Asinine- a prison island built to house corrupt politicians who are so shit that they have to found their own fringe groups that are invariably named after one positive word that might be in latin like ‘Victory’ or ‘Acceptus’

After blowing up one wall with plastic explosives, incapacitating guards with nerve gas and airlifting Sheridan out with a Chinook helicopter, the far right Tory group deposited the dazed politician in a park in Glasgow with a stack of pamphlets and a bullhorn.

According to their plan Sheridan soon started to accost passersby with his Russian revolution-tinged rhetoric and his very brown and shouty face.

Speaking to us, a member of the secretive fringe conservative strike force said, “Tommy’s the perfect guy to sink the independence plans while appearing to work for them. He’s loud, he’s obnoxious, he seems to hate the English and he’s so pro-Scots that he’s made himself into the colour of Irn Bru”

“We confidently predict that his love of perjury, adultery and calling crowds of people ‘brothers and sisters’ from on top of buses like he was Trotsky or something will get that bloody irritatingly pandering that even First Minister Salmond will eventually take a minute to reconsider the benefits of being ruled by Westminster.”

The founder of the annoyingly named political group Solidarity is also known to have joined his fellow grating polemicist George Galloway by appearing in a series of Celebrity Big Brother. Though Sheridan did not dress up in a skintight cat themed leotard like Galloway, many believe that his performance in the BB house wherein he attempted to discuss socialism with Coolio and a Sugababe did little to help his total political revolution

SNP voter Dale McCaffrey told us, “I consider myself a leftist in politics and I do think that our wee country could benefit from cutting off from the London politicos who-at best- ignore our needs. But then again, in saying all that I’d be siding with this bellowing, Glaswegian twat-hammer. It’s a complicated issue. I’m going to have to side with Cameron on this one. Ugh, my soul hurts just saying that.”

Many political analysts believe that this stress- between being forced to side with the overbearing Sheridan and the David Cameron (who is a cunt)- will ensure that no person turns out to vote either way on the independence referendum for fear of aligning themselves with an absolute cretin.

Even though he was made aware of the machinations behind his explosion filled release, Sheridan remained adamant in his campaigning, saying, “Oh my Brothers, I am all too aware of the manipulative aristocrat upper class ploy to crush the People’s movement toward a glorious free state. But I will NOT stop working for the proletariat, to lift the boot of Westminster oppression and say in one voice: ‘No! we shall be free!’ Join us, my brothers and sisters!”

Following the speech several people edged away from Sheridan, claiming that, when you think about it, there are a lot of sides to the argument.

MM