Professor Christmas Jones told us, “We have long known that the Mayans were involved in mystical pre-determination through their calenders and their love of child sacrifices, but when we read ominous portents that 'The Sun would become corrupted. Would wither and fall in the year 2012' I admit we kind of went barking up the wrong tree.”
Professor Jones, who is making a BBC4 documentary about the findings, showed us some ancient tablets that seem to point to the dissolution of the paper, which for many years has been the chief source of bigotry and tits for builders. One tablet shows a shadowy figure flanked by feathered serpents, throwing himself before the Sun and trying to protect it.
Professor Jones explained, “This is a figure that was called the 'Murr-docq' a powerful demi-god that comes from a hellishly hot plane of existence full of snakes and poison. We had assumed that this was an early analog for our Christian conception of the Devil and Hell, but I think we can see now that it clearly references Media tycoon Rupert Murdoch and Australia respectively”
“The fact that Mr. Murdoch has been privately breeding feathered serpents just compounds this theory.”
“In the stories the priests of the Sun attempt to gain a higher knowledge, by the giving of sacrifices and tributes to the Mayan gods of Law. Unknown by them is that this knowledge- including the words of a public figure known as 'Roo-Nee' who we're trying to find a match for- contained within it the seeds of a great corruption that infected the Sun and caused it to drop from the sky like a rotted pear.”
Commenting on the possibility that this newer theory may nullify the popular wish that the earth would be entirely wiped out in 2012, Professor Jones told us, “I hate to say it, but that John Cusack film might have been pretty far off the mark, here.”
The release of this exciting new theory has come hot on the heels of four Sun journalists being detained by the police they used to bribe, in a situation that most agree will be handled in a completely above board manner with absolutely no shadowy deals.
Ominously floppy faced News International owner Rupert Murdoch has also come forward publically to claim that the Sun will not close, despite the predetermined course of events.
Murdoch told the Press today: “I have complete faith in the Scotland Yard team leading the investigation into corruption and bribery. I know Chief Inspector Ian Hunt (who has two daughters, an ex-wife called Linda and the voicemail code 3569) will get to the bottom of it. And Detective Constable Allan Turner won't let his drinking problem or his mistress Delilah interfere with the investigation.”