Monday, 13 February 2012

Adele: “You Can Stop Playing ‘Rolling In the Deep’ Now”

Last Night’s Grammies saw Britain’s patron saint of jilted women Adele take home an unprecedented six gongs for her contributions to drunken hen night karaoke. Taking to the stage the London born singer finally announced that we can all finally stop playing her his song ‘Rolling in the Deep’ now.

In her acceptance speech, the 22 year old announced, “It’s been a long hard journey, with radio ubiquity, a monopoly on music channels and my dominion over middle aged women with grudges against the men in their lives but yes; the day has finally come. You can stop playing, humming, singing and otherwise broadcasting ‘Rolling In the Deep’”

“I know it all started out well, with everyone enjoying the soul tinged melody and my own emotive warbling, but I know it wasn’t long before the constant repetition and the naff video started getting on everyone’s nerves. Beside, speculation about the meaning of the song was rampant: is it about being trapped in the briny depths of the sea, or is it like all of my other songs- a thinly veiled attack on some bloke wot dumped me.”

“Rejoice, though. It is over. These awards have sated my lusts. Tear down the transmitters!”

The win comes hot on the heels after disparaging remarks made by fashion designer and unconvincing undercover Mummy Karl Lagerfeld pointed out that the singer was actually marginally overweight and, as such, should be mashed up into slurry and fed to The Saturdays.

Other winners from the event included Taylor Swift who won for ‘least interrupted acceptance speech’, Beyonce for ‘most important baby of all time’ and the Antares Series SL42 Ballad Autotuner which accepted awards on behalf of Cheryl Cole, Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas and Fergie the Duchess of York, whose single “My Humps” shot to number one in Latveria.

The night was a star filled extravaganza which featured performances from the vaguely racist escaped muppet Nicki Minaj who shocked the musical press of 1932 with her performance that mixed overt sexuality with Catholic iconography. Flanked by an embarrassed actor dressed like a pope the singer danced about next to fireworks until organized religion was truly shatterred and then picked up her award for the year’s biggest contribution to daft.

Also featured was the newly divorced Katy Perry who, if history is any guide, wore something tight before firing something out of her tits at the climax of a song about the importance of screeching.

Also present was Lady Gaga who dressed as the large concert hall stage upon which the Grammies were actually held.

The event was not without its controversy, however, as Chris Brown- the boyfriend of Rihanna who famously beat her when she burned his pizza- performed live to standing ovations before collecting the Grammy for ‘most powerful backhand’, presented by a visibly frightened Rihanna. Several women’s groups were outraged at his appearance but their complaints were quelled after Mr Brown chased them all down and hit them with a shovel.

A man who simply doesn't get enough awards

Chris Brown’s new single ‘Only Because I Love You So Much” is released on February 14th- Valentine’s day, through Sony Records, with whom he has a multi-million dollar contract because he’s just ace.


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