Saturday, 18 February 2012

Cameron to Realize Tory Dream of Ending NHS

Fulfilling the dream of Conservative politicians since time immemorial, David Cameron is today preparing to chair a meeting on Monday to decide how exactly the government will start dismantling the NHS and selling it off for scrap.

The summit, which will be held in the desiccated shell of Surrey General Hospital, will bring together everyone who agrees with Prime Minister Cameron’s blood oath against the institution of nationalised healthcare: Andrew Lansley, Andrew Lansley’s wife, a cabal of pharmaceutical company leaders and Nick Clegg, who officially gave up trying to be a Lib Dem in a press release earlier this week

Cameron told us, “We have to finally come to a decision about the system. Mr Lansley has been working diligently at putting in place a series of small changes which slowly balls up the NHS over a gradual period- like rust or entropy itself- and we’ve all been delighted with his progress in slowly tearing it down from within.”

“But many of us believe that a more direct ‘slash and burn’ approach to permanently buggerring the NHS would be more cost effective. This will involve more wrecking balls, shakeups in the administrative structure and flamethrowers.”

“It’s really all about striking that balance between gradual ineptitude- Mr Lansley’s ‘death of a thousand cuts’ approach- and the rest of the Cabinet’s desire to just get it over with and put the NHS out of its misery.”

Cameron added, “Ooh, just saying it makes me feel all warm inside.”

Earnest public school hall monitor and leader of the shadow of the Labour party Ed Milliband has spoken out against the lineup of the summit, stating that Mr. Cameron has failed to invite anyone who may oppose the health care reforms, such as any member of the Royal college of GPs, any member of Royal College of Nurses, any member of the British Medical Association, any member of the Royal College of Psychiatrists, any member of the Faculty of Public Health or any sick people who aren’t also rich.

Prime Minister Cameron dismissed this allegation as preposterous, saying that he was simply inviting a panel of experts who would agree to stop using the ailing system as a political football and who could efficiently arrange a plan and timetable for smashing the NHS up forever and then burning the rubble.

He added that if everybody present agreed with him then maybe it simply showed that he was ‘100% right’

The statement has not stopped Opposition leaders picking apart the guest list of the summit and attacking Cameron for allegedly ‘padding out’ the panel with disinterested parties only tangentially related to healthcare in a bid to appear more inclusive.

However the PM has defended inviting the cast of Casualty, popular US rockers the Spin Doctors and five of the actors who have played Doctor Who, stating he needed “a whole host of different voices present.”


No comments:

Post a Comment