Thursday, 16 February 2012

Berlusconi Prosecutor Not Even Bothering To Prepare a Case

As former Italian Prime Minister and oily secretary botherer Silvio Berlusconi is taken to court for suspected corruption charges- where he will face up to five years of jail for accusations of paying British lawyer David Mills $600,000 (£382,000) to lie about his business interests- the case prosecutor has come forward telling the press that she simply ‘cannot be arsed’ preparing a case against the former PM since she considers it an ‘utter waste of time’.

The prosecutor, Ms. Victoria Vincenso told us, “I wrote a cue card that introduces Mr Berlusconi by name and the words ‘suspected corruption. I was about to write some more but then it struck me that anything else would just be gilding the lilly. Actually, I think that just his name is really just about all I needed to say. Or maybe I could just point at him.”

“If the jury finds him innocent I’ll eat my bloody shoes.”

“I’ve got a lot on at the moment and I’m a bit stressed, so this case is a good opportunity to take it easy. If I get some energy up later in the week, I might track down some speeches he gave during his years in power. If those don’t contain some perjury or a failed attempt to grope Angela Merkel, then I guess I’ll go leap off of a building because the laws of the universe are clearly out of whack.”

Vincenso has told Italian papers that she is employing the controversial ‘give him enough rope’ tactic of questioning, with the former European leader.

“This is a man that does nazi salutes in the U.N and thinks its funny, who called a german MEP a ‘concentration camp guard’ and in 2009 claimed that deploying more troops to Italy’s streets would still not protect the country’s “many beautiful girls” from rape”

“Unless his defender is Jesus Christ himself, I reckon I’ll be sorted”

Most controversially of all, Ms. Vincenso claimed that, to strengthen her case, she may use Berlusconi’s famously licentious nature against him.

“I could wear a shorter skirt, or maybe a low cut top, but to be honest, from what I’ve heard, simply owning a vagina is enough of a temptation for him. I saw him try to chat up the stenographer the other day and I’m pretty sure his lawyer is 2010’s Miss Milan. This is going to be a piece of piss.”

“This is a man who has a Wikipedia page entirely dedicated to information of cases wherein he solicited sex from under age girls. This is a man who popularised the phrase ‘bunga bunga party’. His Cabinet looks like an audition for Maxim centrefolds. He hires secretaries based on how pretty their mouths are. So yes, I’m knocking off early on this one.”

“If I can’t get a conviction by simply holding up a picture of Mr. Berlusconi’s face then it means that the jury is either blind, been paid off by the defendant’s well documented (and alleged) ties to the mafia or have been invited to one of his prostitute parties in exchange for a ‘not guilty verdict”

When approached for comment Mr. Berlusconi said something inappropriate about enjoying prostitutes before implying that he could win the case by seducing Ms Vincenso.


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