Tuesday, 21 February 2012

Sean Penn Convinces UK to Give Back Falklands Islands

Bowing to intense pressure from pressure groups and the actor who played Jeff Spiccoli from 80s teen comedy Fast Times at Ridgemount High, the British Government has today given the Falkland Islands back to its native Argentinian government resigning ownership once and for all.

Prime minister David Cameron announced that it was in light of the recent attacks from Penn, whose acting career started with a small appearance on Little House on the Prairie, that the Government, urged by the Queen herself, resigned ownership of the controversial islands.

Cameron told us, “A lot of people have spoken about the Falklands war and our position on those islands, but to hear those points coming from Groovin' Larry from 2001's The Beaver Trilogy really put things into perspective.”

“People say that celebrities cannot affect change in this world, but I can't think of a country I've been to that wouldn't be swayed by the passion and filmography of the former husband of. Madonna.”

However, it is rumoured that the true impetus for the historic move came from the Queen herself who is rumoured to be an enormous fan of Penn's early film Fast Times at ridgemount High in which he plays the hapless, loveable stoner Jeff Spicoli

Sources close to the Palace told us “She watches that film at least once a day. It really is her favourite, and Spicoli's her favourite character. You should see her around the palace- she incessantly quotes his character, saying famous lines like “People on 'ludes should not drive! “ or, “surfing's not a sport, it's a way of life, you know, a hobby. It's a way of looking at that wave and saying, "Hey bud, let's party!"” then giggling to herself.”

“So when Mr. Penn publically denounced the 'archaic' and 'colonialist', she could not bear it any longer.”

Penn, who played Phil the Plumber in the hilarious 1988 comedy Cool Blue alongside Woody Harrelson, is said to be delighted at the news.

Penn announced: “It's time that people realized that sometimes celebrities really do know best about world affairs. Why else do you think Angelina Jolie was made a U.N goodwill ambassador? Because she looks good kneeling down next to starving children? No, it's because she just knows more about the geopolitical systems and historic economic tribulations of the African region than most.”

“And if the star of Lara Croft: Tomb Raider speaks, people listen.”

The news has been taken as a great validation for the celebrity community, who had previously felt that nobody listened to them enough when they talked about serious issues.

Angelina Jolie herself, congratulating Penn told the press: “Just because I own five mansions, and am most famous for playing a busty archaeologist who gets into heart pounding shootouts with robotic spiders, doesn't mean I don't have some serious thoughts on what to do about Rwanda. People are finally taking notice of megastars and we have to use that power wisely.”

Jolie's next film Spy, Robot in which she plays a secret agent who finds out she's actually a robot, is released July 6th, to coincide with the birthday of the Dali Lama


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