Michael Gove Proposes Royal Gift of Diamond Yacht

Michael Gove- the Conservative Education minister who looks like a ventriloquist’s dummy that’s come to life after being struck by lightning- has come under fire for proposing an extravagant gift for the Queen to mark her diamond jubilee.

In a leaked letter to Nick Clegg and Jeremy Hunt, Gove proposed giving the royal old lady a diamond yacht to mark the special day; an idea that many have claimed is ‘out of touch’ with both a financially struggling Britain and the traditional understanding of buoyancy

In the letter Gove claimed that- with an invigorated image of the monarchy and the pageantry that the jubilee is sure to bring- a one-off gift of a hundred foot solid diamond yacht would be “a fitting and poetic tribute”

However Labour opposition has claimed that in a Britain increasingly ravaged by unemployment that the unveiling of a boat chiselled out of the purest quality blood diamonds would seem insensitive.

Like this but made of diamond

Shadow boating secretary William Tibbins claimed: “It’s a sad fact that many people around the country lack the means to buy even a single vehicle crafted out of precious stones. Not even a ruby moped or a scooter made out of saphires. And these aren’t just single income houses or those on benefits. You see very few diamond vehicles in ‘broken Britain’ and giving one away at such a difficult economic time may seem crass somehow.”

However Gove has hit back claiming that, as a compromise, the yacht could simply be diamond encrusted.

“Diamonds laid into cheap, proletarian wood. Yes, that would be cheaper. I think that could be suitable, if a solid diamond yacht seems like THAT much of an extravagance for our one and only Queen.”

However, Nick Clegg has been vocal in his opposition to the purchase. Speaking to the House today he claimed it would spark a row between the “haves and the have-yachts”: a turn of phrase that his writers assured him was hilarious.

The Queen herself has remained silent on the matter. When asked to comment on the issue of the commission of the diamond boat the Monarch (communicating with commoners in the only way she knows how) merely shook the journalist by the hand, asking “And what is it you do?” before getting in a horse drawn carriage and waving as she departed.

Michael Gove does have one ally in his mission, since today the Daily Mail joined in the campaign to give the Queen something nice that she can have for once in her life.

The Mail, although not accustomed to starting campaigns that aren’t predicated entirely on hate, has printed an article pleading for support of the commission of the craft. The story (which appeared in yesterdays edition) was full of pictures of Royalty on boats, waving and wearing hats like they do. Mail journalists were quick to point out the correlation between more prosperous times in our nation’s history and documented cases of the Royalty being on luxurious yachts, looking bored.

Mail Journalist Richard Biggleton argued: “Our grand upper class betters need to convey a certain style as they travel around the world for us, being greeted by dignitaries and going to lavish balls. If they cannot be afforded this style then what is the purpose of the Jubilee? Is there any point in her even going? What is the point of it?”

“What is the point of any of it?”


MM

Blue Ivy Carter Chokes on Diamond Pacifier

The daughter of rap superstar Jay-Z and mobile booty display unit Beyonce Knowles, Blue Ivy Carter was rushed to hospital this morning after it was found that she had ingested seven blood diamonds and at least one precious ruby from her $800,000 designer pacifier

A maid of the couple told us that the newborn had been put down for the night as usual, in her crib that is a seven hundred foot replica of a Disney palace hewn from solid jade, and given her solid gold pacifier to stop her crying out during the night.

The child's gold rocking horse

The maid- who, like all of the couple’s staff has been blinded with hot pokers so that she may not look upon the glory that is the child- claimed that the couple had been tired that night after spending all day buying rattles full of precious stones and baby food made of ground dodo and unicorn meat

“They were exhausted. They could barely summon the energy to arrange million dollar photoshoots of them holding an infant and smiling or record a track that incorporates the baby’s flatulence noises into the bass line.”

“You can usually tell when Ms. Knowles is tired because her booty, it droops like a deflating bouncy castle and Mr. Z; his scowl is so much less deep than usual but they take my eyes so I do not know. They put the baby in my arms and put me on the monorail ride to the nursery”

“After about fifteen minutes the train pulls up. I can tell because they build a candy factory near her room so all the air smells like warm sugar.”

“I took the child to her bed, ascending the steps and stopping at each tenth one so that a holy man of every order can bless the child in their own way and then lay her down on a bed stuffed with endangered panda fur. I remember because I caught my arm on the ivory rail around the cot”

“After that I was done for the night so I left the home and walked back to my apartment under the abbatoir. I live in the bit of town they call ‘little Bosnia’ so It’s a long walk.”

Blue Ivy Carter's toybox

“No sooner had I got in than my phone went off, telling me that the fated child had taken ill. They sent a helicopter and I took her to the hospital straight away.”

Paediatricians at St Assissi’s Hospital For The Rich told us that the ingestion of high quality diamonds was a serious issue for babies, however he assured the family that he precious stones had been passed through the system and could now safely be disposed of. The baby is said to be entirely unharmed, and Beyonce has been advised to simply switch to a cheaper unadorned platinum pacifier

The news has come as an immense relief to the crowds of peasant villagers who had spent the morning wailing outside the walls of the couple’s luxurious New York apartment. Several small animal sacrifices had been made but on the announcement of the child’s good health the masses were overwhelmed with celebration and good cheer.

MM