Friday, 13 January 2012

Blue Ivy Carter Chokes on Diamond Pacifier

The daughter of rap superstar Jay-Z and mobile booty display unit Beyonce Knowles, Blue Ivy Carter was rushed to hospital this morning after it was found that she had ingested seven blood diamonds and at least one precious ruby from her $800,000 designer pacifier

A maid of the couple told us that the newborn had been put down for the night as usual, in her crib that is a seven hundred foot replica of a Disney palace hewn from solid jade, and given her solid gold pacifier to stop her crying out during the night.

The child's gold rocking horse

The maid- who, like all of the couple’s staff has been blinded with hot pokers so that she may not look upon the glory that is the child- claimed that the couple had been tired that night after spending all day buying rattles full of precious stones and baby food made of ground dodo and unicorn meat

“They were exhausted. They could barely summon the energy to arrange million dollar photoshoots of them holding an infant and smiling or record a track that incorporates the baby’s flatulence noises into the bass line.”

“You can usually tell when Ms. Knowles is tired because her booty, it droops like a deflating bouncy castle and Mr. Z; his scowl is so much less deep than usual but they take my eyes so I do not know. They put the baby in my arms and put me on the monorail ride to the nursery”

“After about fifteen minutes the train pulls up. I can tell because they build a candy factory near her room so all the air smells like warm sugar.”

“I took the child to her bed, ascending the steps and stopping at each tenth one so that a holy man of every order can bless the child in their own way and then lay her down on a bed stuffed with endangered panda fur. I remember because I caught my arm on the ivory rail around the cot”

“After that I was done for the night so I left the home and walked back to my apartment under the abbatoir. I live in the bit of town they call ‘little Bosnia’ so It’s a long walk.”