Monday, 16 January 2012

World’s Richest, Most Celebrated People Give Themselves Awards

The red carpet was rolled out last night for the 69th annual Golden Globes as Hollywood’s most powerful and beloved people who make believe and dress up in front of cameras queued up to applaud each other and give out awards for several hours.

The very necessary event, which took place in the prestigious Beverly Hills Hilton, is seen by industry insiders as a warm up to the Oscars- an even larger event where the glamorous, wealthy are photographed, cheer at each other and give out statues made of gold.


The event was kicked off when pretend pirate and private island owner Johnny Depp presented the award for ‘Best Film Everyone Will Pretend to See But Won’t’ to the Artist- a black and white celebration of early cinema which experts claim contains absolutely no knife fights.

Anne Hathaway, who very well might have been in it told us: “It’s wonderful to be in a room with so many talented, beautiful people. What we do is so very, very hard and I’m glad that tonight we get the chance to be recognized finally. All we really get for our pains is this night of respect from our peers, millions of dollars and universal love.”

Among the winners was Meryl Streep whose picture, The Iron Lady, tells the story of a British Prime Minister kidnapped in Afghanistan who is forced to craft a flying robotic suit of armour in order to fight coal miners.


In her touching eighteen minute long acceptance speech she thanked her family for supporting her, the director for pointing cameras at her while she made faces and put on a voice and the Gods themselves for imbuing her mortal frame with so much talent. Streep was tearful as the crowd of millionaires clapped at her for a record thirty two minutes.

Streep told cameras : “Yes, we get to go to premieres and on chat shows and on magazine interviews and in photoshoots where people can tell us how marvellous we are but it’s only really when it comes from Charlize Theron that it really has any impact, y’know?”

George Clooney was also honoured for his role as a man who is not George Clooney in a film of some kind. Clooney claimed that preparing for the role in which he was resolutely told he could not be himself was very hard and required a thing called ‘craft’. Critics have been unanimous in calling the now award winning performance ‘brave’ since he did have to say his lines out loud while not being George Clooney

But for many the real action came before the awards themselves. The red carpet was the scene for many hours of ladies walking up and down being photographed and explaining why they were wearing a yellow frock and why that was daring. The E! channel then dedicated an entire day of programming to discuss the spectacle and discuss who had the nicest dress and whose dress was not very nice.

History buffs noted that the analysis of Emma Stone’s hair actually exceeded the amount that was applied to the Treaty of Versailles. Though fashion experts finally agreed it was ‘lovely’.

Good for you!

Tiresome old lady Madonna also won an award, though nobody seems able to fathom what in her life is worthy of praise. Matt LeBlanc also received a gong for failed sitcom ‘Joey’, Kelsey Grammar won something that was probably for ’Frasier’ and ‘Downton Abbey’ won an award because that’s what it’s for.


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