Friday, 27 January 2012

A Shadow Falls On The Heart of Mankind

With the numbing inevitability that usually accompanies the triumph of evil, it was revealed yesterday that the Daily Mail is now the most visited news site on the internet, narrowly beating out the New York Times and hope.

The news and fear source has today celebrated by unveiling a counter on its website, counting down to ‘Phase 2’. The 99 hour clock has been counting down the seconds until ‘phase 2’ since 1pm today. Though the publication has yet to announce any details of what the phase will entail, immigrants, labour voters and people on benefits have already started fashioning makeshift weapons in anticipation.


Editor Paul Dacre has thanked all of his readers today, claiming that this was final proof that fear was the defining feature of the human soul. He then promised that the paper would become far more ‘active’ in the future, stating that their campaigns would become a focus of their output and a receptacle for their newfound power.

He then cackled and shouted, “Unlimited power” for several minutes.

Speaking from a hovering throne Dacre told his fellow journalists, “We want to rekindle trust in newspapers, we want to re-establish a standard of truth in the printed word, we want a Daily Mail doomtrooper on every street by 2013, we want to be the finest news outlet that we can be! Join us now!”

Stopping to draw an arcane symbol in lamb’s blood outside the offices of the Guardian, Dacre told the cowering crowds: “Our paper is founded on a few simple principles: 1) Purity. Purity of our journalistic sources, purity of our intentions and purity of race. 2) No matter how powerful the target, we will have no fear in our reporting. It doesn’t matter if its impoverished immigrants, the unemployed, the disabled or homosexuals, we will attack them with valor 3) different things must be burned and 4) the things that famous people wear are FASCINATING 5) hate, Hate, Hate HATE HAAAAAAAAATE.

Dacre then threw a hammer at a homeless man just because he could, screaming, “Welcome to the future. The Daily Mail is NUMBER ONE!”

As the chief news outlet on the internet the Daily mail will now have a more direct influence over the population and the perception of political figures and as such key figures in Westminster are preparing tonight to come forward and swear fealty to Dacre and his team by beating a black vegetarian playwright to death in the lobby of the Mail’s building

Meanwhile the increasing readerships of human shaped creatures Richard Littlejohn, Jan Moir and Peter Hitchens has alarmed the emergency services and charity group The Samaritans as they expect an influx of people around the world to come to think that the world is a venal, loveless prison, kept revolving through spite and avarice alone and then do the only sensible thing.


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