The seemingly unstoppable momentum of Massachusetts moderate candidate Mitt Romney has been challenged by a new set of attack ads from sinister butterball Newt Gingrich which accuses the senator of knowing some french phrases
The ad, very cleverly entitled ‘the French Connection’ sees Senator Romney clumsily peck out some french phrases from a teleprompter. With the fluency and natural gallic flair of one of the cast of ‘Allo ‘Allo the video sees Romney grimacingly sound out “Joo mah pell. Mitt Romney. Fromage. Spirito De Punto. Bergerac au de cieteron”
The ad is reported to have been responsible for a nosedive in votes for the mormon GOP candidate.
Romney campaign strategist John B. Jovi told us: “A while ago Romney’s campaign was all go, he had carte blanche to do whatever he wanted in the race. But now it seems he might have to bid his chances adieu. It doesn’t matter if he was reading the offending words from an aide-mémoire, the american people see the country of france as their bete noire and anyone using their language is naturally suspected to be a saboteur at best”
“Maybe his time is up. Cest la vie”
It is thought that it was France’s refusal to invade Iraq- a decision that the nation must regret in retrospect- that cemented the image of the nation as a country full of people who would rather become snooty maitre d’s than serve as soldiers in a well planned and profitable war
Sociologist Steve Austin told us: “The American people see the French as a nation of sexually aggressive cartoon skunks. That’s the most positive stereotype, really. Otherwise the national picture is that of a nation of philandering sculptors, riding from one affair to the other on a bicycle laden down with wine and large, phallic breads, pausing only to refuse to get into a fight for fear that it would damage their couture stripey jumpers.”
Following the success of the campaign the other candidates have launched ads based on the suspect linguistical prowess of their opponents.
Rick Santorum traced back the etymology of several of Newt Gingrich’s words and found that they were Greek in origin. Senator Santorum was quick to point out that the Greek society openly endorsed homosexuality, invented logic and kept slaves: none of which are suitable views for a candidate for presidency.
Gingrich fired back at Santorum by tracing the origin of an expression of irritation he has employed -’oy vey’- to Yiddish; a jewish language spoken by the very same people who had killed Christ in a documentary made by Mad Max.
Steve Austin continued: “The message is clear. Americans don’t want our head of state speaking another language. 78% of voters said they could not fathom a need for the head of a country to be in any way acquainted with any language other than his own.”
“In stark contrast to the eggregious displays of knowing some high School French, the candidate’s protests that they are ‘just humble schmoes who don’t know much about this politic business but sure know what seems right and true in their guts and freedom’ met with widespread approval.”
As Newt Gingrich said in a debate last night to an ovation: “I don’t know much about where words come from. I just know that them french fellas ha’nt done right by us. And I don’t much care for that. Now I don’t have much schoolin’- cos I’m a simple sort- so I don’t have a clever way to say it. But if you make me President I promise the only language you’ll hear from me is the language of Freedom- American!”