Wednesday, 25 January 2012

Gingrich Promises: "Oh Yes, I Will Have A Moon Base"

In a rare unguarded moment during last night’s Republican debates rotund vessel of evil Newt Gingrich announced “Yeah, fuck it, I want a lair on the moon”

The shocking revelation came after a discussion on job creation, wherein Gingrich had hinted darkly that if he had his way, the nation’s construction workers, rocket builders and deathtrap manufacturers would ‘not be without work’ under his presidency.

When pressed to expand on these remarks by Mitt Romney, the former house speaker seemed at first reluctant, simply staring at his opponents and then at the night sky and muttering “Oh, you’ll see. In time you’ll all see”

However after pressure from his opponents in the highly fraught Republican race Gingrich broke down and admitted to his plan to build a lunar colony to house his vast collection of lazers, globe statues and aquariums with sharks in them.

The plan for a lunar base has drawn harsh criticism from his opponents who have already chided Gingrich’s ownership of a nuclear submarine, an arctic base, a stealth boat and a volcano shaped like his own face which fires heat seeking missiles out of its eyes.

Speaker Gingrich was quick to assure the audience that relocating to the dark side of the moon had its own set of benefits. The Georgia congressman highlighted the possible mining opportunities on the moon, the possibilities to use it as a port for further space exploration and the fact that a moon base is a far more effective deterrent of suave British super-spies who have meddled in Gingrich’s affairs for ‘the last time’

“I accept the charge that I am grandiose,” he said, before firing a machine gun concealed in his umbrella into the crowd and making his escape at the end of a rope ladder that was dangling from a helicopter piloted by his female assistant- a femme fatale that sources at CNN claim is as deadly as she is sexy.

Political analysts have warned Gingrich’s rivals not to underestimate the 63 year old’s political aspirations or his capacity to build structures on the moon.

Republican strategist Tom Riddle told us, “Since his arrival in Washington Gingrich has had an unstoppable career. Everyone who has publicly opposed him have- by chance, I’m sure- met with unfortunate ends like Senator Mike Newbury who was eaten by that shark or the Fox journalist Liz Evans who committed suicide by cutting herself in half with a lazer in a gold smelting plant.”

“It’s this incredible run of luck, combined with his unshakable will and complete lack of pity that’s made him such a formidable enemy”

Though the Republican race is not yet ended Gingrich's impressive lead has many voters thinking that he will be the Republican presidential candidate in 2012, bringing him that much closer to his goal of re-carving Mount Rushmore to display four versions of his head, scowling at a world he yearns to own.


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