Monday, 16 January 2012

Michael Gove Proposes Royal Gift of Diamond Yacht

Michael Gove- the Conservative Education minister who looks like a ventriloquist’s dummy that’s come to life after being struck by lightning- has come under fire for proposing an extravagant gift for the Queen to mark her diamond jubilee.

In a leaked letter to Nick Clegg and Jeremy Hunt, Gove proposed giving the royal old lady a diamond yacht to mark the special day; an idea that many have claimed is ‘out of touch’ with both a financially struggling Britain and the traditional understanding of buoyancy

In the letter Gove claimed that- with an invigorated image of the monarchy and the pageantry that the jubilee is sure to bring- a one-off gift of a hundred foot solid diamond yacht would be “a fitting and poetic tribute”

However Labour opposition has claimed that in a Britain increasingly ravaged by unemployment that the unveiling of a boat chiselled out of the purest quality blood diamonds would seem insensitive.

Like this but made of diamond

Shadow boating secretary William Tibbins claimed: “It’s a sad fact that many people around the country lack the means to buy even a single vehicle crafted out of precious stones. Not even a ruby moped or a scooter made out of saphires. And these aren’t just single income houses or those on benefits. You see very few diamond vehicles in ‘broken Britain’ and giving one away at such a difficult economic time may seem crass somehow.”

However Gove has hit back claiming that, as a compromise, the yacht could simply be diamond encrusted.

“Diamonds laid into cheap, proletarian wood. Yes, that would be cheaper. I think that could be suitable, if a solid diamond yacht seems like THAT much of an extravagance for our one and only Queen.”

However, Nick Clegg has been vocal in his opposition to the purchase. Speaking to the House today he claimed it would spark a row between the “haves and the have-yachts”: a turn of phrase that his writers assured him was hilarious.

The Queen herself has remained silent on the matter. When asked to comment on the issue of the commission of the diamond boat the Monarch (communicating with commoners in the only way she knows how) merely shook the journalist by the hand, asking “And what is it you do?” before getting in a horse drawn carriage and waving as she departed.

Michael Gove does have one ally in his mission, since today the Daily Mail joined in the campaign to give the Queen something nice that she can have for once in her life.

The Mail, although not accustomed to starting campaigns that aren’t predicated entirely on hate, has printed an article pleading for support of the commission of the craft. The story (which appeared in yesterdays edition) was full of pictures of Royalty on boats, waving and wearing hats like they do. Mail journalists were quick to point out the correlation between more prosperous times in our nation’s history and documented cases of the Royalty being on luxurious yachts, looking bored.

Mail Journalist Richard Biggleton argued: “Our grand upper class betters need to convey a certain style as they travel around the world for us, being greeted by dignitaries and going to lavish balls. If they cannot be afforded this style then what is the purpose of the Jubilee? Is there any point in her even going? What is the point of it?”

“What is the point of any of it?”


No comments:

Post a Comment