Monday, 30 January 2012

Sally Morgan Prepares to Unleash the Army of the Dead

Prolific medium and living conduit to the afterlife Sally Morgan has today announced that, since her legal battle with the Daily Mail has yielded neither a public apology nor an out of court settlement from the newspaper, that she now has no choice but to raise their offices to the ground by utilizing a thousands strong marauding army of ghost Vikings

Morgan told us that she regretted that the popular paper had not retracted their claims of fraud, forcing her to unleash her formidable ghost summoning abilities.

Ms. Morgan announced, “It is unfortunate that the paper has not backed down from the accusations of deceit that it has levelled at me. To keep my professional reputation and to guard against these kinds of attacks I’m afraid I must take the step of calling forth my spectral army to humble these skeptics and win back some dignity.”

The lawsuit and supernatural war arose when the Daily Mail ran a story that alleged that Ms. Morgan was using an earpiece that was transmitting covertly acquired information to her, to make it appear that her stage show- which involved contacting the dead and passing on messages- was reliable and credible source of personal ghost messages beamed from heaven.

The apparent uncovering of the fraudulent means by which the information was gathered and relayed has, Ms. Morgan claimed, caused people to doubt whether ghosts actually do transmit their messages of love and their eerily specific recollections of family size, number and names into the brain of a dumpy 60 year old from Fulham.

Morgan continued, “It is preposterous that they believe that I am not a vessel for the undead. How else do they explain the miracles I work? Cold reading?! That’s nonsense. I simply have a third eye that can see beyond this realm into a spiritual plane, and from there I can tell weeping relatives that their Father had a name that started with a ‘D’ and that they should try not to worry about money and that he misses them.”

“Explain that with your mortal science.”

“But it seems that that vulgar display of sorcery was not enough for these journalists. Very well. My clarion call pierces the halls of Valhalla. The honoured dead will fight for me one last time.”

In accordance with her promises of ectoplasmic justice the poplar medium has stationed herself outside the offices of the Daily Mail and proceeded to make ‘om’ noises, allegedly charging her energy in order to rip a hole in the fabric of reality wide enough to make way for a large army made up hundreds of long dead Nordic soldiers.

Though most representatives of the Mail have remained skeptical and unrepentant in regard to the story, it is thought that the otherworldly green glow and the sphere of crackling energy that has recently engulfed Sally Morgan has made several prominent Mail journalists reconsider their positions, with some being seen leaving the offices early making the sign of the cross

Though the lawsuit is technically ongoing,Ms Morgan's lawyer has told us that after the emergence of the first of her spirit warriors from a realm beyond the ken of man, they are expecting to receive a full retraction and settlement from the Daily Mail.


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