Friday, 6 January 2012

First Mixed Embryo Monkey Born, Lynched by Supremacist Chimps

In a scientific breakthrough American scientists have been able to combine cells from six different monkeys, implant them into a female and sire three living healthy rhesus monkeys.

However this breakthrough was sullied yesterday when a group of radical chimpanzee supremacists broke into the lab and beat the ‘chimeras’ to death with tyre irons.

The three rhesus monkeys, named Chimero, Roku and Hex, were said to be normal, healthy specimens that were said to be proof of a new era of genetic science before they were bludgeoned by the dissident racist group. The gang is said to have broken into the lab late last night and dispatched all three in what police are calling a ‘brutal simian hate-crime’

The scientific team had been working in the controversial field of stem cell research to try to recreate and fuse matter. However problems withe the ‘pluripotency’ stage of cell development impeded their progress. The researchers were only able to make monkey chimeras when they mixed cells from very early stage embryos, in which each individual embryonic cell was "totipotent".

Throughout the process they had been accused vocally of ‘playing god’ and ‘muddying our pure blood’ by outspoken chimp and baboon hate-groups.

Today the researchers recounted how they had received countless ‘hateful’ messages pertaining to racial purity scrawled on bananas skins that would be either mailed to them, thrown through laboratory windows or left on stairs in the hope of tripping up one of the researchers. Despite this abuse, the team continued with their work

The work, which was to unlock new ways of understanding the development of human embryos was irrevocably damaged last night when security footage captured the gang of chimpanzees break into the premises on their motorbikes and hunt down each ‘chimera’ in turn, while screeching insults and flinging their fecal matter at the walls

“This is an outrageous crime, that speaks only to the primitive hatred of these gangs,” said head researcher David Helitop: “ Not only is this a massive blow to our future understanding of early embryonic development, it is another example of the odious fear and ignorance that informs racism in the chimpanzee community. We must endeavour to rebuild, move on and guard against these kinds of attacks in future.”

The upsetting security footage, available online, shows the gang raiding the laboratory, searching through lockers, damage sensitive instruments,briefly taking a break to drink tea in bowler hats and finally track down the incubator in which the three important chimera were being held.

The attack that followed the discovery has been censored for its graphic violence and the racist language involved

Local police have said that they are on high alert and are actively searching for the culprits, though they have expressed some doubt over catching the perpetrators who could, by now have blended into a zoo, a PG Tips commercial or have climbed up a very tall tree.


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