The discovery of human remains in the grounds of the Queens estate of Sandringham yesterday started a murder inquiry that has been closed today as Princess Anne has come forward to inform detectives that it was probably from ‘some gypsy’ that the Royal family used in one of their holiday hunts from several years back
The Princess Royal, speaking to Norwich police and assembled press stated: “Every year we get together for some games in Sandringham. it’s so hard to get the family together and when we do we like to make the most of it. Harry does so love to hunt ever since Phil took him out all those years ago and covered his face in the still-warm blood of a dying animal so we usually try to get a hunt in. Of course winter game is so scarce that we usually just let a gypsy or one of the lower classes out of the basement and hunt them down.”
The hunt, which takes place soon after the celebration of the New Year is apparently carried out in the dead of night, giving the ‘prole’ a ten minute head start and a shield before the Royals start after them. According to the Princess, Prince Phillip prefers to hunt from horseback with a flintlock rifle, Harry prefers to stalk the woods with bow and arrow while the Queen herself floats above the fields in a hot air balloon, directing the games with a ceremonial horn she blows when over the ‘quarry’.
Princess Anne continued: “It’s tradition. I’m sick of the PC brigade trying to shut down our old establishments. First it was these hunt saboteurs and now everyone’s up in arms about choosing to kill people who barely even qualify as human. the last one was homeless for God’s sake”!
“We have a monarchy in this country. We have traditions. It was expected of King George to occasionally cut down a street urchin or an uncouth cockney. In fact, if he didn’t then he would be seen as weak and effete. In today’s society we desperately need that winnowing. Like with foxes it fights overpopulation and stealing from hen coops”
Prince Phillip and William have both confirmed Princess Anne’s statement when interviewed about the human remains, the latter claiming to be the running champion of the Hunt through his expert use of camouflage and throwing knives.
Prince Phillip has blamed the discovery of the body on a ‘lazy groundskeeper’ stating that the apparent interest in the discovery of human remains on a royal estate would not even be an issue had his servants dispatched the human remains in the “usual way”. Although the Prince did later admit that the roses looked particularly lovely in the area mulched with the blood and bone of a commoner.
“That alone makes it all worthwhile” the Prince attested
Norwich police are said to be consulting with metropolitan police on the legality of widescale murder perpetrated by the royal family and whether the aspect of tradition will excuse the sport.