The newest series of Celebrity Big Brother has returned to British screens despite Channel 5’s promises to finally scrap the controversial reality program after the last season.
However, Head of Programming Francis Donal has today claimed that the decision to renew the series was not made by any Channel 5 executives but rather by an unknowable alien intelligence that wishes to determine the fate of the human race by means of a gamut of philosophical tests designed to divine whether we are noble creatures or dumb, gawping apes.
“We had little choice. Lord, I wish we could have avoided it” claims Donal
“I got a knock at the door and this man with a horrifically scarred face came in, carrying a box. There was something...off about him from the start. He spoke in riddles, his eyes shone with an uncanny intelligence and he was hovering four inches above the floor”
“He put the box in front of me and claimed that if I pressed the button it held inside it, then a new series of CBB would come into being. If I did not, seven million people would die by fire. Well, naturally I pressed it. He smiled and left the room. God, what have I done? maybe death would have been preferable? Was it the right choice? Have I doomed us all?”
“I asked where he was from, who he was. He said ‘I am simply a messenger from those who watch, those who have watched and those who will continue to watch. The time of reckoning is at hand and a game must be played to decide which of the infinite possible futures will come to be’. I don’t know what that means but I don’t like it.”
The roster of celebrities this year is said to be the best in the programmes history. In the house are actor Michael Madsen, Eastenders’ Natalie Cassidy, some rappers, Gore Vidal, probably a glamour model, Jade Goody’s undertaker, the helicopter from Airwolf and two of the men suspected of murdering Stephen Lawrence
Despite this many are warning that watching the series could spell our collective doom.
Addressing host Brian Dowling on the opening night The Stranger From The Other Place announced: “The choice is as simple as it is profound. You either sit in front of your screens and watch some soap stars fuck each other in a jacuzzi in the vicinity of Mr. Blonde or you do something else: plant a tree, speak to a loved one, whittle a flute, anything. We will see the choices made and the scales will tip in one way or the other.”
He later confirmed to Dowling that, if he had to choose, he would back Sally Gunnell to win.
In accordance with The Stranger’s rules, each episode now comes with a warning beforehand that alludes to how ancient eyes may be watching and judging viewing figures, and also how some scenes contain flashing lights that could trigger epileptic fits.
Despite the dire warnings for our race’s future viewing figures have been at an all time high, with the first night attracting roughly six million viewers. Channel Five bosses announced that they were ‘ambivalent’ about the positive figures.
Francis Donal told us: “On the one hand we’re really happy that so many people are tuning in to the series. It’s a fantastic telly tradition and this year we have some real surprises for these celebs- I can’t give anything away, but you’ll see. But on the other hand, we do know that this program is very likely the cause of the downfall of the human race.”