Monday, 9 January 2012

Clarkson Says Thing

In a day in which the sun rises in the east, the sky is blue and the tides wash in accordance with the movements of the moon, Jeremy Clarkson has said a stupid and insensitive thing.

The Top Gear presenter and sayer of stupid and insensitive things yesterday opened his mouth and let a bunch of hateful things tumble out like a washing machine opened too early, if the washing machine contained insults to 23 dead chinese workers.

In keeping with the way these things go many people and papers have been outraged and Clarkson has apologised while looking like he doesn’t mean it in what many are describing as ‘a dance as old as time’

The numbing inevitability of these events have lead metaphysics lecturer Peter Frampton to ask, “Is there such a thing as free will? This latest blunder is pure social programming: Clarkson burbles out some oafish twaddle for blokish blokes to chuckle at and the rest of us get outraged. Stimulus goes in, behaviour comes out. It’s like we’re all just puppets on strings, robots accepting our programming”

“I don’t even blame Clarkson. He just does the thing he does. It’s all so bloody futile.”

The comments, as if it even really matters, concerned synchronised swimming. In a column for the Sun (of course) Clarkson complained about synchronised swimming (naturally) and said that such a spectacle could easily be seen in the beaches of Morecambe (why not?), where in 2004 23 chinese migrant workers drowned while picking cockles

'Chinese women in hats, upside down, in a bit of water. You can see that sort of thing on Morecambe Beach. For free.'

It is thought that the column also attacked political correctness, the nanny state and health and safety practices but if it turns out it didn’t you can pretty much fill that bit in for yourself.

It is thought that this joke about the deaths of men and women between the ages of 18-45 in rising water- which exposed the illegal practices migrant workers often endure- is a sign that multi-millionaire broadcaster Clarkson has accepted his role in the universe; what Hindus call dharma.

Peter Frampton claimed: “He gleefully endorsed shooting striking teachers and firefighters a month or so ago and now this? These are the actions of a man at peace with what he is and what he must do. He is Clarkson, an enormous denim bell-end who says outrageous things to titillate frightened middle aged men. There must be a peace in knowing your role in this cosmic ballet we call life. I am a middle class person who reads the Guardian: I am to get upset about this and make complaints. Aaah, it feels good to simply fall into your role.”

It is thought that some time today Clarkson will make a public apology with Richard Hammond stood next to him. Experts predict that Clarkson will offer a half hearted contraction, a justification for the ‘joke’ and then say something like: “Crikey, for all the attention I’m getting you’d think I’d beat a black teenager to death in 1993 in South London with my mates. Also, gypsies aren’t humans.”

Hammond is then expected to giggle guiltily and the crowd is expected to harangue the broadcaster for the comments, but not before taking a moment to bask in the comforting certainty of the scene.

Top Gear fan Pete West told us: “These are uncertain times we live in and we must hold on to our traditions, our ways. It gives me a warm glow to see things like this. God is in his house, the laws of thermodynamics are still in effect and Clarkson is still doing that thing where he acts like a boring ‘opinionated’ human fuckstain”


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