Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Danny Dyer is The Answer Claims Cameron

Prime Minister David Cameron has delivered an ultimatum to the British Film industry, saying that by the end of 2013 the amount of Danny Dyer found in all UK financed films should have increased by at least 600%

The demand was given today, ahead of Cameron’s visit to Pinewood studios next week and the accompanying report on the crippling Dyer shortage by mockney gangster flick aficionado Lord Smith: a report that will no doubt shape the government’s upcoming film policy review

Cameron told press: “We need more commercially successful pictures, more midstream triumphs that can revitalise our cinematic output. Now what does that bring to your mind? I know what it brings to my mind. A certain cheeky cockney host of Britain’s Hardest Football Hooligans. Let me get right down to brass tacs: I want more Danny Dyer”

“Why on earth has our number one cinematic talent been put out to pasture making documentaries for Bravo about gypsy cagefighters and illiterate bouncers who steal lorries so they can drive them to football riots?”

“No. We need less Shane Meadows films and more Danny Dyer. LOTS more Danny Dyer”

Mr. Cameron’s suggestion has come in light of the fact that the British Film Industry, though it regularly produces award winning films about Sean Bean suffering from PTSD, has not been shown to be as profitable as it could be.

In light of the fact that the country still faces a recession despite containing many cinema quality cameras and Danny Dyer, the Conservative government has proposed a slew of profitable, marketable films in which Dyer calls people ‘mugs’ and steals cocaine from ‘proper villains’ in Hackney

However, the announcement is thought to endanger the future of the many upcoming British films about unhappy couples in Northern mining communities torn apart by infidelity, class prejudice and skinhead gangs.

Ken Loach- the director of films in which Brenda Blethyn loses a child to glue sniffing in Thatcherite Doncaster- has vocally rallied against the PM’s words saying: “I was planning a film where a young boy with abusive alcoholic parents befriends a whippet. Of course, as he grows up and finds that the closure of the steel mill has left no jobs he must enter his only friend into a dog fighting league. A rottweiler- that represents the bourgeoisie- eats it and the boy kills himself in a quarry.”

“Also the kid’s on smack. It’s all in black and white. The Observer will call it ‘powerful’”

Someone throw a pie, already!

“But I suppose now I’ll have to make a film about a cheeky wide-boy who shags some fit posh bird wot turns out to be the missus of a local gangster (Vinnie Jones) who then makes our hero pull off a bank job to make amends”

According to the Guardian critic Mark Kermode is absolutely furious about all of this


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