Republican politician and two-time International Staring Competition silver medalist Michele Bachmann has stepped down as a presidential candidate after poor poll results in Iowa. The eerie Minnesota congresswoman has, however, claimed that this move will in no way impede her promising career of being mental in front of crowds or cameras.
Addressing her supporters yesterday Bachmann announced: “It is with great regret that I must step down as your candidate. i would like to thank my staff and my supporters and wish my rivals the best of luck in the upcoming race. But, if any one of you thinks that my not being the GOP candidate will stop me from getting up in front of crowds of people and claiming that socialized medical programs are a clandestine satanic conspiracy dreamt up by communists and indoctrinated into the Muslim Barrack Obama when he was hypnotized by the Clintons in their underground French HQ.... then buddy, you have got another thing coming!”
“I might follow in the footsteps of my fellow right wing female maverick Sarah Palin by starting a reality show about shooting bears and being near flags.”
“Or i could, like her, drive around in a big garish bus taking about immigrants to handfulls of people at picnics. It didn’t seem to do anyone much good but I think it got her out of the house at least.”
The mother of five and foster parent to twenty three rose to prominence in the Tea Party movement with her charismatic advocacy of the pro-life movement, the unification of church and state and her belief that homosexuality could be cured, much like the mumps or tetanus. But after the Iowa caucus, in which she came sixth, she has agreed to “step aside”
Returning to her options, Bachmann continued, “I could return to my previous job of gathering hordes of adopted foster children under my roof so that I can tell them about Jesus all day and eat their fearful dreams all night. Oh, how they sustain me.”
“Whatever I do, be it being mental in a book, being mental on radio, trying to turn Perseus into stone with my gaze or simply going back to my constituency one thing’s for certain: I will be being mental somewhere all of the time until the Republicans seize power and we can topple the socialized medicine advocates who are trying to rip babies out of wombs in waiting rooms and turning this great nation into the Fourth Reich through the teaching of evolution.”
Bachmann’s high profile departure has left two frontrunners for the coveted GOP seat- Rick Santorum- an edwardian timetraveller who is campaigning on his fearful bewilderment of such concepts as homosexuality, global warming and these newfangled horseless carriages- and Mitt Romney; a mormon who holds no absolute opinions.
Texan candidate Rick Perry, whose tactic of recounting the names of the men put to death under his governorship to whooping applause has lost steam of late is now seen as an outsider in the race.This leaves only wizened libertarian leprechaun Ron Paul, a tubby man named Newt and someone else who, for all intents and purposes, may as well be a bulldog wearing a tophat.
The Republican race will continue, with its next proving ground being the state of South Carolina.