Monday, 9 January 2012

TV Troll Covets Shiny Things

Celebrity chef and guardian of an ancient stone bridge Anthony Worrall Thompson has been caught shoplifting from a Tesco’s store in Reading Road, Henley-on-Thames, Oxfordshire, on Friday.

Thompson, whose species are known for their obsessive need to collect the shiny objects that we humans take for granted, has said that he will seek treatment for his kleptomania. A representative has told journalists that he feels he has ‘let down’ his family- a billy-goat and a rugby ball with a smiley face smeared on it- by his illegal actions.

“Me do bad.” Worrall-Thompson told journalists today, “Need helps. Under bridge is home. Home has many steals. Me steal for home. Make shiny-nice. Me like the shiny-nice. That is why me steal. Raaaaawr”

Representatives of the 60 year old creature have told us that they hope that some positives can be taken from the unfortunate incident, claiming that Worrall-Thompson has made a crude drawing in mud that they take to be the plans to make a public trust that will work to raise awareness of issues that face abominations of his ilk; issues like kleptomania, inflicting injuries unknowingly on tiny woodland creatures through their monstrous strength and the ever-present threat of marauding fellowships.

The Staffordshire born chef is thought to have gotten into cookery after he was tricked by a wily bard into letting him cross his bridge free of charge in exchange for the recipe for ‘stone soup’; a recipe that turned out to be a ruse. Nevertheless Worrall Thompson followed the culinary desire that this incident had ignited and entered into any kitchen that would have him, learning how make the most sophisticated of meals instead of just clubbing a yak and swallowing it whole.

Though the theft was said to have been a ‘spur of the moment act of madness’ by Thompson’s representation and a ‘bad no-no’ by the chef, sources close to him are refusing to disclose whether a problem with impulsive theft is a pre-existing condition.

However a neighbour of Mr Worrall Thompson’s has come forward and claimed that the signs of a history of larceny are there for anyone to observe. Peter McLean, the neighbour of the TV chef and Mirkwood Goblin has claimed that a cursory look at his dank lair tells the tale of a troll addicted to theft.

“I sees it” claimed Mr. McLean, “a nest of purloined pens, hen’s feet, Ainsley Harriot cookbooks, buckets of stolen apples, tangles of copper wiring and the bones of christian men. I sees it all in his place and I really do think the man has a problem but hopefully he will seek help after this most embarrassing occurrence”

Though the case has yet to come to court it is thought that Worrall-Thompson could face a fine of up to £10,000 and the repossession of all of his roughly hewn wooden cudgels


No comments:

Post a Comment