Saturday, 14 January 2012

Experts Warn Beating Angry Birds Unleashes Cenobites

Following a series of disappearances and chain related homicides Finish game makers Rovio mobile are warning customers that completing the popular game Angry Birds with three stars on every level may be a means to invite several extradimensional sadomasochists to our plane of existence.

The creatures- commonly known as ‘cenobites’- have been witnessed materializing once players have retrieved all of the golden eggs hidden by the crafty pigs and promising to tear the gamer’s soul apart before wrapping them in chains and escorting them to a dimension of the purest torment.

Avid player Jennifer Harper told us “There was this one level I couldn’t get. I had two of the boomerang guys and one of the yellow ones and there was just this one pig high up I just couldn’t get to. My boyfriend claimed that he’d be able to do it. He said the trick was not to use the second boomerang bird as a boomerang. So he got it, second try. I was furious and he just gives me this smug look as the last three star rating got filled in”

“I expected it to unlock a new stage or a cutscene or something.Instead I looked round and there were these leather clad abominations in the room. The lead one had nails all over his face. He seized Mark and told him ‘You solved the game. We came, now you must come with us, taste our pleasures’”

“Before they dragged him away on a rope made of his own flesh one of them told me There is a secret song at the center of the world, Jenny, and its sound is like razors through flesh. Angry Birds is here to turn up the volume. To press the stinking face of humanity into the dark blood of its own secret heart’”

“It really is a very addictive game”

GameDesigner Phillip Lemachant has claimed that the summoning of beings beyond human comprehension was never his original intention: “I simply wanted to make a fun and addictive physics based game about pigs stealing eggs. I never expected this.”

However, computer analysts have found that-whether intentionally or not- the shapes formed by two of the pig’s structures in the chapter ‘Ham ‘Em High’ mirror the design of a famous 18th century puzzle called the Lament Configuration.

Conceived by a French puzzle maker contracted by a hedonistic, satan worshipping prince the Lament Configuration was reputedly a geometric puzzle apparently imbued with the power to unlock another realm. The destruction a pig-made bridge and a wooden crane in stage 13 and 14 through the strategic use of the big black bird who poops out an egg when you tap the screen is though to mirror the completion of the puzzle

“I just thought it was a neat design for a pig-bridge” insists Lemarchant

Despite warnings about the hellish dimension that awaits those who squash all the pigs, sales and playership of the game have only decreased by around eight percent. Many believe that the addictive nature of catapulting birds into smug pigs and the cheerful animation style may still hold appeal for many gamers despite the danger of experiencing an eternity of pain.

In accordance with the continued disappearances Angry Birds now comes with a lengthy warning, an age restriction and a change of tagline, which now reads: Angry Birds: Down the dark decades of your pain, this will seem like a memory of Heaven.


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