Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Indonesia To Hit Poor People with Concrete Balls

Railway staff in Indonesia are setting about hanging large concrete balls on chains to deter impoverished workers from riding on the top of trains on their commute to city centres like Jakarta

The project is being sold as a new deterrent to the practice of ‘train surfing’ whereby workers wishing to make their daily commute but who are too poor to afford train tickets cling to the sides and the roof of the vehicle.

However experts have claimed that hitting people of of the tops of trains with big concrete spheres will not actually enable them to afford railway tickets, but may instead cause concussions and broken limbs.

The scheme, which was concocted by an evil gameshow designer who made his name devising traps for Japanese TV producers, is being rolled out near Jakarta this month but will be expanded if it proves to be either effective or darkly funny.

In reaction to the scheme, a portion of poor Indonesians have already departed from train roofs, choosing instead to stand near the barriers with cameras in the hopes of selling the resulting carnage to news stations or ITV clip show ‘World’s Wackiest Cranial Contusions Caught on Camera’

However, many who have low paying jobs at the end of the journey see no other way to earn an already meager wage than by sitting on top of trains and occasionally taking a wrecking ball to the face.

This is not the first time that the Government has launched a scheme to discourage the practice of ‘train surfing’. The train roofs have previously been painted with slick oil, a current has been run through them and for one month in 2005 a sinister blonde german man was paid to walk up and down the train firing a machine gun at random points into the trains’ ceiling.

All of these programs were repealed after it was revealed that poor people trying to get to work remained poor even if they were covered in oil and shot in the gut through corrugated iron.

Indonesian rail authorities have expressed an interest in a kind of high intensity laser grid that would sweep through the top of trains at certain checkpoints but this proposal was scrapped due to cost. Another scheme which advocated a team of blackhearted mercenaries with automatic rifles and buckets of boiling tar be situated on every bridge was also shelved after fears regarding collateral damage were expressed.

It is unknown how effective the scheme will be, though many are predicting that the practice of ‘train surfing’ may simply be swapped out for the more perilous practice of ‘ball dodging’


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