Tuesday, 31 January 2012

“I Get To Keep All The Money, Right?”: Fred Goodwin has Knighthood Revoked

Fred ‘The Shred’ Goodwin, the chief executive of the Royal Bank of Scotland whose financial mismanagement required a £45 BILLION bailout from the taxpayer has had his knighthood revoked by the Queen earlier today in a move that many are describing as a ‘savage blow’ to the multimillionaire who collects classic cars in his spare time.

Sources close to the banker say that he is devastated by the news and is attempting to console himself by relaxing in the swimming pool of his enormous house which is made of gold and shattered dreams. Though these sources have yet to state which of his many, many houses and villas Goodwin may be recovering in.

The Royal Forfeiture Committee decided several days ago that since RBS’s collapse helped trigger the biggest recession since the second world war and as such they demanded the most thorough punishment they could manage: taking away a medal and making it so that people are not obliged to call him sir.

Lord Hafferblapp of the Forfeiture council told us, “He may be able to afford a palace made of emeralds, he may be able to employ people who were sacked during the recession as footstools, coffee tables and ashtrays and, yes, he may indeed have started construction of a castle in the sky. BUT. He has to send us back his ribbon now and when people see his wife, they can just call her MRS Goodwin. Ha!”

“It’s the worst possible thing that can be done to him, I’m sure.”

Goodwin, who is drawing a pension of an estimated £703,000 per year, will now have to send back the box which contains his medal and ribbon to the Royal premises and then try to carry on living, if you can even call it that any more.

When approached for comment, Goodwin asked us incredulously, “I still keep all that money, though, right? It’s all still mine. All the money that belongs to me and is still given to me? I mean, I don’t count it because there’s simply too much but all of it is still in my possession, right?”

“And nobody is putting me in prison, right? There’s still no way to do that? No, of course not. Well, now that we’ve cleared that up, yes, I do feel absolutely terrible about all this. My trip to Hawaii tomorrow will be tinged with such sadness.”

Mr Goodwin then threw wads of money at a passerby until they bowed to him and called him ‘your royal majesty’

Goodwin was later sighted leaving a trophy shop, decked in medals and holding several trophies that he had had commissioned. Witnesses claim that Goodwin had seemed in ‘remarkably good spirits, considering what had happened to him’.

The move to have this terrible fate visited upon Goodwin is thought to have come from a cross-party alliance of MPs who were keen to see the RBS boss punished for his part in the recession and also were keen to underline the absolute fact that no politician had a hand in the economic downfall nor could they have possibly done anything to avoid it.


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