Tuesday, 3 January 2012

New Anti-Piracy Measure Adds 30 mins of Trailers, Bickering Couple

A consortium of Hollywood film production companies have banded together to introduce new measures to curb the costly practice of internet piracy by forcibly inserting unskippable ads, trailers and an audio track of an elderly couple over your shoulder somewhere who just can’t seem to follow the plot

Head of Anti Piracy strategies Richard Tawt, announcing the scheme said: “These pirates are looking to escape both the cost and the misery of the average trip to the cinema. We can’t prosecute a sliver of those who torrent movies but we can make them suffer like their counterparts in the multiplexes. We’ve got a crack team of programmers attaching these restrictions to all film torrents around the clock, so the next time you download a film you can expect what we’ve always wanted: a half hour-minimum- of adverts for cars and banks followed by seventeen consecutive trailers of various CGI monsters being punched in the balls by The Rock. Mwahaha”

“Don’t like watching those Orange ads that pretend to be a trailer but aren’t? Oh we know you are. We all are. That’s why we make them! Instead of a fifteen second ad asking you to turn off mobile phones we take your favourite film characters and make them talk about tariffs. Prepare to watch two, no, THREE every time you want to watch something. And if you try to skip them, they just put you right back at the start”

Tawt added, “Mwahahaha”

When asked whether they’d keep in the advert where Ray Winstone tries to convince a cinema audience to advertise in cinemas (despite the fact that very few cinema patrons are vast companies with advertising budgets) by being cockney and walking at them, Tawt replied with low guttural laughter

However the real triumph of the scheme is the attachment of the audio tracks to pirates files that will truly mirror the multiplex atmosphere

Tawt explains: “These audio tracks will bring to life the true experience of cinema. We have one of a senile couple who can’t recall what that lady, y’know the lady with the hair, was last in. Was it the film with the fighting? SHE’LL NEVER KNOW. Also, what did that one man say when she was asking that question? He’s whose son? The constant questioning of the motivation of every character will continue throughout.”

“We have another of a couple who will only notice the least important detail of any given scene and loudly ask whether or not that’s the kind of fridge Debra was planning on buying during the high octane karate fight.”

“There’s the ever popular cinema companion: the person who’s read the book and wants to demonstrate their knowledge. Want to know what bits were cut out of Girl with the Dragon Tattoo? Then pirate it and hear. Also, they’ll spoil the reveal of who the killer actually is. As an added bonus they may compare it to the obviously superior European original”

“And of course there’s the children. Two flavours: frightened child and stoned teenager. The first one cries at every loud noise, the latter giggles and imitates it twice. Have fun.”

The scheme is going into full effect later this week, though Tawt claims that it will be abolished once enough people decide to give in and go back to the cinemas where the only price they pay to watch the newest films is seven pounds, someone kicking the back of their chairs throughout and mandatory 3D glasses that give you a migraine


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