Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Maria Schriver Rescinds Schwarzenegger Divorce After High Octane Rescue

The rocky marriage between Maria Shriver and ex-governor of California and ex-robot Arnold Schwarzenegger may have taken steps toward reconciliation after Shriver withdrew her divorce notice following her rescue from a fortified Columbian compound which ended in a series of explosions, 400 dead henchmen and a helicopter battle.

Shriver, who had filed for divorce after it was revealed that Schwarzenegger had had an illegitimate child with his maid, is thought to have been abducted on Christmas Day whilst her husband was distracted by his efforts to procure a rare ‘Turboman’ action figure for his illegitimate son- a task which lead to a rivalry with a mailman, a fight with elves and a jetpack chase. It is thought that this series of adventures allowed the terrorist drug dealers the opportunity to snatch the journalist and author Shriver.

Though a difficult time for the California legislature and his family, Schwarzenegger elected to leave the state for an undisclosed amount of time to attempt to negotiate the release of his wife. When offered the assistance of trained negotiators and police personnel in the delicate operation, the ex-Governer was heard to decline, stating that “this time, it’s personal” and loudly loading an M60 machine gun

Presumably hoping to repair the relationship that had been under strain since in May 2011 Schwarzenegger admitted to fathering the then-14 year old child with long-time member of the household staff Mildred Patricia Baena, the movie star turned politician was then seen to steal a seaplane with the help of a plucky young pilot he had rescued from a mugging and set a course toward Santa Cabeza.

Though events on the island fortress are sketchy, Arnold himself confirmed that he approached by water and picked off a few patrolling guards with ingenious traps made from tree trunks and vines before setting off some plastic explosives and dealing with his wife’s captors in a more direct fashion

When asked to explain what this meant the governor replied: “I negotiated with them. Hard.”, Schwarzenegger clarified: “I explained my stance on corporal punishment: I support ze death penalty”, when this was not sufficient he elucidated “I introduced them to Tookie Williams”, then “I’m not the Pope but I made them hole-y

It transpired that the ex-governor shot the men with his guns.

However, after dispatching with the small private army and going in search of Ms. Shriver, the ex-governor was confronted by his successor in office, Democrat Jerry Brown who claimed to have fostered an intense hatred of the Austrian after he inherited several fiscal problems from him upon his gubernatorial election. Shriver described the pitched battle between the two politicians that took place in a smelting plant, with Schwarzenegger finally winning the day by dumping Governor Brown into a furnace,commenting: “The polls are in, Governor. Looks like you’ve come dead last

Shriver and Schwarzenegger, last seen kissing on a beach while marines arrived to clear up the carnage, are said to be trying to piece together their marriage in light of these recent events.

Making a brief statement to the press, Schwarzenegger said that he would accordingly be taking indefinite time out from both the public eye and freelance murder, though on this remark an unnamed colonel seated in the audience was heard to retort under his breath: “Yeah right, till next time, Arn, till next time”


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