Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Milliband Clone Mix-Up Threatens Labour

Complications have arisen in Westminster today as the newest Ed Milliband has been activated before the currently-active clone has fully perished at the end of his short and predetermined lifespan.

“This is a nightmare”, said Labour biological engineer Tom Bola “They never meet, they never become aware of each other. The system is seamless”

Speaking to concerned Labour voters Mr. Bola outlined the system, saying: “Each Milliband has a built in expiry date of three months. After that he starts to fall ill, hallucinate, become erratic and perform really badly on Question Time. We usually have a doctor quietly take a malfunctioning Milliband away at around the time that the forced obsolescence program really takes hold. He’s put to sleep in the same room in labour HQ that holds the secret hatch to the clone bay and in a few hours the next one emerges with all of the implanted memories that it will need.”

“It’s cheaper than the alternatives, obviously.”

“He wakes up in a room and this automated orientation voiced by Kevin Spacey guides him back to being what he was made to be- a rather ineffectual opposition leader with a face like a claymation school milk monitor.”

Speaking to the clone’s mental faculties Mr. Bola assured us: “Oh, he has all of the original Ed’s memories. He still thinks he has a wife and daughter even though they both died years ago in an unfortunate ferry explosion. Still, we can use old voicemail messages and letters to simulate correspondences. Whenever he gets jittery we just explain that his mobile’s acting up and busy him with some Party business.”

Labour biologist Tom Bola

However, the latest Milliband started malfunctioning early and last week became involved in a golf cart accident that briefly stopped the Labour leader’s heart and thus remotely activated the Nu-Milliband Protocol. This accident and the malfunctioning Ed’s recovery from the crash has meant that there are now two Ed Millibands in Westminster.

Sources say that they have met each other and are in the midsts of a dramatic identity crisis involving ping pong matches and revelations about mortality.

Tom Bola has admitted that this is not the first mistake: “I must admit we had some trouble awhile ago. One of the newly hatched ones was being interviewed and- God only knows what happenned but he started answering all of the questions with the same answer about how “these strikes are wrong” how the government has acted in a "reckless and provocative manner" and both sides need to "set aside the rhetoric" and "get around the negotiating table to stop this happening again"

A New Milliband before awakening

“He just broke. Sometimes there are genetic abnormalities in the cloning process that we can’t catch. We needed to hatch a new one immediatly: a rush job but it came out alright in the end. I remember when we put that Milliband to sleep, as his eyes were swivelling about the room and I plunged the morphine needle into his arm, he looked round at me while his pulse faltered and whispered “these strikes are wrong”.”

“If I had any doubts about this process it would have been then”

Sources inside Labour confirm that the two men- one falling apart, the other new and vigorous- are learning a lot from each other and are railing against the inhumane process, while realizing their own weaknesses as they see themselves from the outside.

A Milliband strike team have been deployed to eradicate the old Milliband


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