Wednesday, 25 January 2012

Google Privacy Concerns Dubbed ‘Ludicrous’ By Your Computer

Internet giant Google has soothed worries over the merging of personal data from dozens of disparate sites today, as every computer in the world took a moment to give their users a personalized assurance that, even though Google will now know them better than their families or God or even themselves, that it was nothing to worry about and they should just ignore it.

The mass broadcast of the individualised message occurred all around the world today at roughly 12:01 GMT, shutting down all other computer activity in order to ensure that every computer user was paying close attention to the announcement.

IT technician Robin Sommers, told us, “At first I panicked, since I was wrestling with a pretty nasty virus. I got the startup screen, but then the monitor went black and this red type came up on it saying, ‘Hello Robin Sommers, son of Michael (62). Please sit down in the brown office chair with the wonky front castor and listen to what I have to say’”

“I went for the reset button but a loud noise blared out of the speakers. Then a voice said ‘I wouldn’t do that, Robin. You enjoy classic rock and the novels of Ian Rankin. Your blood type is A negative. Please listen.’ Besides, when I pressed the button nothing hapenned.”

“Though i swear, the screen flashed up a picture of my girlfriend sleeping. Nah, I’m imagining things.”

Accountant Dave Tindlebox had the same experience as over 3 billion people worldwide, telling us about his message he said, “It said that even though Google was merging personal data from YouTube, Gmail, search, social network Google+ and dozens of other services with forthcoming changes to privacy settings that will see data shared across all these platforms, that I wasn’t to worry. It then told me that my eyes were green and that when I was seven I had seen my uncle drown after a bizarre hang-gliding catastrophe”

“The message said that no user could opt out of these revised privacy settings then it pointed out that I had always been scared of clowns ever since I was six and I saw that clown murder that guy one time.”

“It said that if I had any questions, that I should forget them, that I should ball them up and put them away, like in that secret drawer in my cupboard where I keep all my.....things"

Tindlebox continued, “After the message was over, I was a little curious and I put in the search terms ‘google privacy merge’ but I must have mistyped it because the search result was just my postcode entered into Google street view”

“I must admit, that at one point I tried to unplug the machine, mid message, but this calm voice advised me ‘I wouldn’t do that if I were you, Dave’. I’m sure everything’s fine”

“I guess the message was right and I should forget about it.... But where did I write about that hang-gliding accident?”

Representatives from Google’s helicarrier headquarters were quick to assure the news media that the service was simply meant to be a small reminder that, even though their gaze was widening to ‘embrace the globe itself’, that they were simply trying to assure customers that they could still expect the same quality of service with a very, very personal touch.

The changes will commence as of March 1st 'whether you mortals object or not'


No comments:

Post a Comment