Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Gay Priest Sues God for Homophobia

Britain’s most senior openly homosexual priest Dr. Jeffrey John has lost his discrimination case wherein he claimed that the Church of England had repeatedly stopped him from becoming a gay bishop.

Dr. John has now re-opened the case, this time directing his claim against God, the creator of the Universe and omnipotent superbeing who the priest has accused of creating a faith that openly fosters homophobia.

Dr Jeffrey John at St Albans Abbey

“I just want to get to the bottom of this”, said the homosexual priest.

“There is no official bar for bishops who prefer the company of penises in the Church, so why have I been overlooked so many times? I can only deduce that it has something to do with my civil partnership and the fact that the bible says "If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death. Their blood shall be upon them." (Leviticus 20:13)”

“This and other passages in the Bible which say that gay people should be hit with rocks until they are dead have really sent a negative message to gay priests. I think that kind of antiquated message could have lead to an enduring stigma around homosexuality, leading to limited opportunities within the church and a niggling belief that we should all be put to death to please God.”

John continued, “The Church of England was founded to keep up to date with society. When Henry the eighth got tired of the Pope telling him to stop killing all those women he married, he formed this church to meet the needs of the then-modern man who may need to split from his partner and then split his partner’s head from her torso.”

“And if the church was founded on this principal of ignoring the bible to keep socially relevant I don’t see why I’m still penal-ised.”

Challenge: Gay dean Dr Jeffrey John has said he will take action against the Church

“This is why I’m taking the matter to the highest authority: the British appeals system. It is my legal right to challenge the person responsible for the original incident of prejudice and my lawyer has told me that the Father of the Universe has been succesfully subpoenaed.”

Though the legal firm representing God has confirmed that Yaweh will be appearing in court to answer the claims that he ‘fostered an atmosphere of prejudice and bullying’ and laid laws in his organisation that would curtail diversity they did not disclose a statement to indicate where the Almighty himself stands on the matter.

Though God has made no official comment on the court case, when he was seen leaving his flat in Camden this morning (with an unnamed blonde) he told journalists that he was “No bigot” and that he hoped to ‘clear the whole big gay mess up once and for all’, before speeding away in his Mazda MX-5

Jeffrey John did tell us today that he hoped that the court case would not impair a future working relationship with God saying: “I respect his work, and although I do think that as an employer he delegates too much and moves in unaccountable and random ways, I have always held a deep admiration for him.”

“If, however, the scriptures are true and he does hate women, gays, all other religions and pretty much everyone else besides, then I don’t see us working together in the future.”

The trial begins next week in the Old Bailey


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