Thursday, 12 January 2012

Desperate Republicans Unveil Amabo

The faltering Republican presidential nominee race was given a shot in the arm last night when, during a live debate, GOP geneticists took to the stage to unveil the newest genetic abomination that they claim will be the perfect rival to President Barrack Obama: Amabo, the genetically reversed clone of the President.

Whipping the cloth from a steel cage already visibly bent from the inward as if by some unstoppable force of conservatism, the audience gasped as Amabo was revealed. Standing at over six feet tall, the deathly pale experiment surveyed the crowd before letting out a ferocious yell that many commentators are saying spoke volumes about his plan to expel immigrants and give jobs back to US citizens.

Doctor Victor Von Beck explained: “Ve captured the DNA of the ‘President’ from a cup he carelessly left at a diner several years ago. From zat ve have extrapolated his precise genetic code and entirely inverted it. Vot we have hear is not just any right wing politician. He is the exact opposite of the Hawaiian Muslim some call the commander in chief. He is his equal opposite, his reflection in dark water, the reflection in a cracked mirror come to life.”

“He has all of his strengths but none of his healthcare plans.”

When questioned about why the ‘anathema-clone’ is still male, tall and bears a striking resemblance to the President despite being his ‘genetic opposite’, Doctor Von beck informed the audience that that was “simply not how evil clones worked, clearly”

Von Beck added: “Zey called me MAD, said I was playing God! The fools! All will tremble before the Dread Senator”

A rare glimpse at Von Beck's laboratory

The unnaturally strong Amabo is said to support the teaching of creationism in schools, can lift a truck, wishes to put troops back in Iran and can fire lazers from his eyes, all of which is thought to be a real vote winner.

Speaking to the audience Amabo announced: “Amabo support socialized healthcare. Amabo loves government meddling in corporations. Amabo will never vote for a flat tax”

However his handler assured the stunned crowd that due to his ‘reversed’ DNA his statements he makes are actually the opposite of what he believes. Mitt Romney has vocally complained that that strategy was created by him and that Amabo should not be able to steal it.

Von beck continued: “When Amabo says ‘Me want huge government’ that’s him endorsing the view that governmental control should be limited. When he says ‘Amabo smash White House’ that means.....well actually that one’s pretty straight forward”

Republican analysts have welcomed the arrival of the genetic abomination that was hatched in the heart of a nuclear reactor, saying that the party has been spending the race searching for a candidate they think can take on the charismatic head of state.

Republican strategist Kent Clarkson told us: “We’ve been looking for someone with the popularity, rhetorical prowess and paralyzing fear of change that can serve as a counterpoint to Obama. Ron Paul has the youth vote but he’s no social conservative and he also looks like a wizened tree come to life.”

“Santorum sure hates the gays enough but the liberals have already dragged his name through the.....mud. Newt Gingrich may be tubby and spiteful- two things we look for in our candidates- but he can’t stop cheating on his wife and he has a name like an apprentice wizard. Rick Perry was strong for so long, but his inability to form sentences has overtaken his avuncular charisma and love of electric chairs.”

“We’re not looking for a politician. We’re looking for an anti-Obama weapon. And we’ve just had to make him. Amabo is perfect. He will crush Obama in the primaries, or he will crush him in his mighty atomic grip.”


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