Tuesday 17 January 2012

Santorum Campaign Rocked by Weirdest Ever Sex Scandal


Rick Santorum’s campaign for the Republican Presidential candidacy has so far run on the man’s absolute, burning hatred of homosexuals and his opposition to abortion.

In the upcoming debates the Pennsylvania senator may be more reticent in discussing abortion laws since it has emerged that his wife had a six year affair with an abortion doctor 40 years her senior. Abortionist Tom Allen also happens to be the person who delivered Mrs Santorum from her mother’s womb.



The fiercely pro-life Karen Santorum has yet to comment on her affair with the man who delivered her and who also is chiefly known for terminating pregnancies. US political analysts are also expecting her to stay silent when asked about the dark and terrifying psycho-sexual mess of freudian nightmares that live in her head

NY Times journalist Terry Savalas writes: “It’s like a David Cronenberg film based on a short story by JG Ballard. The twisted sexual logic at play here, the overt mixture of sex and death and the offputting undertone of a literal lust for retroactive self annihilation would make a fascinating arthouse film. But a political campaign? God no. This is weird as shit.”

Internet speculation on the affair has today been rampant. Questions regarding whether their affair took place in a bed, a cot, a mortuary or the abortionists office are the most common. Many are also wondering whether the issue of abortion caused arguments in the affair and also whether Allen ever insisted that Mrs Santorum call him ‘Daddy’.


Mrs. Santorum and Mr. Allen.... J
esus

The story broke when Tom Allen himself came forward and talked to papers, responding to Senator Santorum’s ceaseless pro-life rhetoric.

Mr Allen is said to have been something of a ladies’ man in his day, with rumours that his first marriage ended due to his affairs with younger women. A wine and opera afficionado the now 91 year old Allen remains an advocate for a woman’s right to choose. However most journalists are today concentrating on the fact that the elderly abortionist apparently had no problems with having a sexual affair with somebody he had, several years ago, watched gestate in a belly, pulled out of a mother’s vagina, cleaned and delivered to a family.

However, several republican analysts have opined that the scandal may blow over more quickly than expected. GOP campaign runner Buck Rogers told us: “This might be too messed up for anyone to give much thought to. Right wing voters like to make clear decisions between one of two things. Right to bear arms or gun control, creationism or evolution, that kind of thing.



“Fathoming the minds of a doctor who falls for a woman he first met just outside her mother’s labia and a woman who falls for the man who was terminating foetuses while he was monitoring her gestation might be a little much to ask. I predict that most voters will read this story, shiver, and then try their best to forget it.”

“I know I will.”

Rick Santorum himself has been a vocal opponent of abortion even in the cases of rape and incest. This is presumably because he is an awful person who thinks people should suffer on account of his favourite book. However it is not known whether these revelations will change his stance or affect his marriage to a woman whose bloody strange mind could probably make stream shoot out of Sigmund Freud’s ears.


MM

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