Sunday, 15 January 2012

Rupert Murdoch Becomes Lidless Fiery Eye

Australian Media Mogul and First Lieutenant of Morgoth Rupert Murdoch is set to return to public life after the lengthy and highly publicized embarrassment of the Leveson Inquiry. Appearing atop an obsidian spire this Friday the BSkyB CEO unveiled his new form as an immense catlike eye wreathed in flame

The transformation has shocked many Murdoch supporters who feel that during the recent hearing regarding the phone hacking scandal, the elderly Australian seemed to have been making way for his son James to take over his empire. Choosing instead to return as an enormous ever-searching eye atop an 800 foot tall tower outside London, however, is thought to send a clear signal that Mr Murdoch has no imminent retirement plans

BskyB spokesman Mike Newton told us today: “Murdoch is obviously a master of the dark arts of PR (and enchanted metallurgy). He’s sending a strong message to his media empire and stockholders: you thought your final alliance of celebrities and MPs had banished me, but I will always return. They diminished him, certainly, and a portion of his might and influence left him but it was only a matter of time before he entered this world once more”

Receiving a grilling from the Inquiry board-an incident that Murdoch stated was his ‘most humbling day’- was thought to be a definitive blow against the Dark Lord Murdoch. As he faded and departed, leaving behind only a lingering shadow and several terrible newspapers the peoples of the world rejoiced, held banquets and sang songs of his defeat.

Labour MP Tom Watson told us: “There came a time when the courage of Man was tested. We proved ourselves worthy and we faced down his hordes of journos, lawyers and those big flying lizard things. But then rumor grew of a shadow in the East, whispers of a nameless fear. And now he returns”

“His gaze pierces all. It looks in celebrity’s phones, at Hugh Grant, in bins, up starlet’s skirts for the Sun.”

Murdoch acolyte Mike Newton warned the remaining MPs and celebrities against a fresh attack on the Eye. Speaking to MP Watson, Louise Mensch, Sean Bean and Steve Coogan, Newton claimed that even if he suffers another setback in public perception, it is thought that he will live on through his son James Murdoch- the chairman of News International who was born in the heart of a great volcano.

“He was forged in secret, a master Murdoch, to control all others. And into James he poured all his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life

“Against the power of Murdoch there can be no victory”, Newton concluded.

Despite the risk of opposing Murdoch’s Eye several sources report that Lord Leveson convened an impromptu meeting late last night while the Eye was distracted by some footballers hiring a vanload of prostitutes. Rumours have circulated that a pair of diminutive Guardian journalists have been selected to sneak past the Eye and into the headquarters of News International itself where they plan to drop a story about bribing police for scoops about murders into the Sunday Times: a move that may topple the all seeing Eye once and forever.


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