The new Steven Spielberg Film ‘War Horse’ has come under fire from both critics and audiences for having a title that leads one to believe that the accompanying motion picture may be considerably more awesome than it actually is.
Critics have so far been unified in their condemnation of the story which does not concern a rebellious young horse from the wrong side of the tracks who, breaking through social and barnyard conventions, joins the military and proves himself to be deadliest of all weapons.
They went on to express disappointment over the absence of scenes that show him bounding through battle scenes carrying rotating battle cannons in his saddle only to kick Hitler in the face with his steel tipped rear hooves
Instead Spielberg has chosen to make a film about man’s inhumanity to man seen through the eyes of an entirely mute horse who does not have a problem with authority, a drinking problem or an unquenchable desire to whinny over the corpses of fascists. Spielberg’s film is also set in World War One- a conflict universally acknowledged to be drab and existential- instead of the more gung-ho World War Two or some kind of future war where he could be the last horse on earth, fighting for his way of life against radioactive robots with lazer guns.
“This is a real upset to everyone who was expecting a film about a horse who chooses to go to war because evil forces abduct his horse-wife,” said Empire journalist Tito DeMuerte after emerging from the premiere: “I’ll tell you right now; the horse doesn’t go to war, rather he’s dragged into it against his will and through the cruelty inflicted on him in a war he could not possibly understand we see the futility and madness of warfare- and indeed humanity- as if anew.”
“It is boring as shit.”
DeMuerte continued: “I expected to see a film about how the madness and chaos of war got so bad that the most unexpected of heroes- a large brown horse- would decide that he could no longer stand in a paddock and drink from a tub. His volunteering and the vigorous training, which could include a montage of him improving at shooting rifles and pull-ups, would highlight the message of the film: that sometimes there is an evil so great that everything must rise up and fight it.”
“Even a big brown horse.”
Despite the lack of sassy dialogue or karate from the eponymous horse the US box office for the film has been unexpectedly high, with many predicting that this will be repeated in the UK. However a growing internet campaign seek to warn moviegoers not to hand over their money without knowing precisely how few slow motion equestrian gun fights the film will feature
Fringe enthusiast and Film 2012 host Claudia Winkleman was damning in her assessment of the film: “Pulling audiences in to theatres on false promises is not something we would expect from an elder statesman like Spielberg. This is a cheap manoeuvre. but we can only hope that this deficiency inspires a young filmmaker with the action chops to pull it off -I’m looking at you here, visionary director Zack Snyder- will pick up the slack and make the film we all cry out for. A simple tale of a horse with a strong moral code, four strong hooves for punching and a disregard for the rules of engagement.”
War Horse opens in cinemas across the UK on January 10th