Friday, 13 January 2012

Jason Voorhees ‘Taking it Easy this Year’

Promiscuous teenagers in America are celebrating this year as the relentless supernatural serial killer Jason Voorhees announced via his twitter account today that he was ‘taking some time out’ from slaughtering people with a large machete

The hockey mask-clad horror has become synonymous with the date of Friday the 13th, but this year, while police across the States sent out their usual warnings under 25s to not be attractive, to avoid woods, to not go investigate spooky noises and to not go camping near haunted lakes the dreaded and mute abomination took to twitter to announce his disenfranchisement with the unofficial holiday.

The first signs of depression from Voorhees came last night when he tweeted “So tired lol #whydoidothis”. This was followed by several messages that expressed a growing depression and crisis of confidence. In chronological order they read

“Might give it a miss this year. Feeling down: (“

“Hard to get out of bed. Warm in here and nobody screaming at the sight of me #dissapointingmymother”

“That’s it. One more sweep of the shack and if I can’t find my good machete I’m done.”

“Ugh. Friday the Turd-teenth. NOooo energy”

“Alright kids. Smoke pot, go skinnydipping, be Kevin Bacon, go nuts. I don’t care”

“My sprees used to mean something. Or did they? I don’t even remember any more :o”

Maybe next year

Mental health experts have come forward claiming that the tweets seem to carry all the hallmarks of depression, saying that the ferocious and unstoppable killer seems to have.

Psychologist Michelle Myers told us “It used to be that Mr.Voorhees didn’t even need his trademark date to conduct his massacres. All he’d need is a ferry to New York or maybe a trip to space. This malaise, though, speaks of a deeply troubled man having a crisis of conscience. Even though I’ve been reliably informed that instead of a conscience he has a demonic worm creature that can only possess members of his bloodline I must stick to my diagnosis.”

Meanwhile an old sheriff with a mysterious scar running down his face has come forward to claim that the messages are simply a ruse to lull wary teens into a false sense of security, saying: “Can’t you see? He’s playing you for fools. A thing like him doesn’t change. He doesn’t stop; he CAN’T. He’s an infernal engine powered by one thing. Blood. He can’t be sated and as long as he lives no one will be safe.”

However following that prediction, several nearby teens made sarcastic ‘oooh’ noises and concluded that the old man was crazy and should be ignored.

American journalists are waiting until nightfall to ascertain whether the implacable homicidal maniac has truly sworn off murder, as it is during the hours of darkness that he traditionally would emerge to drive pickaxes through throats or impale people with oars.

However the thousands following his twitter feed have been put at ease by his most recent announcement:

“Ben&Jerry’s, a duvet and a DVD of Devil Wears Prada = heaven #mybestnightin”


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