Monday, 9 January 2012

MPs Plead “Try To Have 2 Drink-Free Days Per Week, You Animals”

A group of MPs have recommended that the British public try to control themselves at least a little bit and leave two days without getting absolutely pissed up on booze juice and starting a fight with a skip before passing out in the gutter shouting recriminations at their absent fathers.

“We feel it’s really important that the public stop drinking as though trying out for a Bravo documentary that will never, ever air” said an MP involved in the study.

The earnest plea has come from several MPs involved in a report published by the Commons science and technology committee which has suggested that the practice of buying three crates of Fosters from Morrisons every night of the week to try to just blot out the pain of it all might be having a detrimental effect on the health of the nation.

The report concludes that every Briton should aim to be alcohol free for two nights of the week

The report claims that it “doesn’t think this is all that unreasonable, all things considered” and that the authors hope that “if we start small then we can eventually work towards having a healthier Britain and, as a happy side effect, we could probably put out that three mile fire in Essex that some students started one friday night in 2003”

MP Humphrey Shuttlebus publicly said today: “For the love of God, try to fit in a 48 hour period per week when you’re not sucking down dirty mugs of gutrot and alternately belching at and brawling with your ugly families.”

“Is that too much to ask? Are you people capable of passing two evenings without imbibing enough bathtub gin and red bull to fell a concrete rhinocerous?”

In response to questions, the committee informed the public that the time spent queueing up in Londis with armfulls of buckfast and maddog 20/20 did not “accumulate to pretty much two days given enough time”. The Committee also told the public that the ten years of childhood spent not drinking are not taken into consideration.They also claim that any day in which a hangover is treated with a little hair of the dog cannot be counted as ‘drink-free’ even if all your drinking is done before 10am.

“In fact we feel that that’s a little worse, if anything” claims MP Shuttlebus

The problem of alcohol abuse has been a cause for concern for years in Britain with studies eventually finding the blame lies somewhere between discount supermarket deals, the working class and how shit telly is these days.

“We tried to curb the problem by building more beer gardens and commissioning more open-air communal spaces to make our crippling addiction seem at least a little European and picturesque and less like a Hogarth scene painted by Lucien Freud. But in the driving hail, seeing a hen party drinking Jagermeister from a plastic bucket under a Magners umbrella only seemed to compound the problem”

The MPs have also launched an official probe into whether or not we could all stop waking up in the neighbour’s hedge with scraped knuckles, bruised knees, a shopping bag full to the brim of our own sick and a twenty three stone gypsy slumbering next to us with your pants on their head


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