Wednesday, 4 January 2012

QuickQuid Claims Dundee

Payday loan site and trafficker in human misery has become the first company of its kind to entirely own claim a British city today,as it claimed ‘dominion’ over Dundee and all of its inhabitants.

The surprise news came when, over the financially trying festive period, it emerged that a majority of the voting citizens of the Scottish city had taken out loans with the company: loans that would come to consume their lives with a race against sisyphean interest rates. According to one Dundonian, an email and threatening note left pinned to his door with a dagger left instructions on how he could cut his debt by a quarter if he voted for an archaic local council law that opened the city up for re-election and then wrote ‘QuickQuid’ on the ballot.

The ad hoc election saw a landslide victory for QuickQuid, with thousands of chronically debt-ridden scots voting for their loan company, who have now seized power in the city and started building a large obsidian wall around it.

According to QuickQuid spokesman/Viscount of Dundee Adrian Alucard: “This was ever our plan. Dundee is the first to see sense in our election but our projections show that the populace of Scunthorpe, Berwick upon Tweed and The Isle of Man will soon fall to us. We can promise them all a safe,secure space to work off their considerable debts, lots of outdoor work and regular meals.”

The renovated and walled city of Dundee- now renamed ‘Site 000001’- is said to be refocusing its citizens on industry, building large steel and lumber mills and starting construction on large and labyrinthine mines that bore miles below what was the street surfaces. Watched over by QuickQuid spires, Viscount Alucard claims it’s the perfect environment to work off mounting debt.

“We charge only for room and board in our great city and the work of these....people clearly exceeds that charge by 14.7pence. Those pence can be put toward clearing the 14789112666098111.3% annual interest rate they agreed to.”

“Oh yes, they agreed. They all agree.”

However critics of the coup claim that the company make it too easy to agree to large and binding financial contracts. Ex-Dundonian Sophia Jax claimed: “My husband went on the site and there was just a big red button marked ‘Free Money’ with an asterix next to it. He pressed it and it just asked him his name and blood type. After that the money came through the mail in ten minutes. He didn’t even give an address.”

Now that chariots have escorted those not directly indebted out of the gates of Site 000001, the activity behind the large walls is unknown, since communication is not permitted. However Viscount Alucard has assured us that this kind of industry will bring Briain back to financial stability:

“We used to make in this country. Now our people will do little but. And we will spread. Already our eyes roam south for new sites. We’ll stop Britain borrowing and get Britain making again!”


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