Monday, 30 January 2012

“We Do Too!” Cameron Hits Back At Sarkozy’s Industry Attack

David Cameron has today responded to French President Nicolas Sarkozy’s claims that Britain ‘no longer had any industry’.

In a video released earlier today Cameron is seen walking through a torn down factory and boasting to the French leader about the UK’s booming factory demolition business.

'No industry': The French President used the inflammatory words as he defended a VAT rise during a prime time national TV broadcast

Cameron announced, in the promotional video, “It’s not just wrecking ball manufacturers, or shop dismantlers either. It’s padlock makers, chain forgers and the people that make sledgehammers that are seeing an upturn in trade right now.”

“And don’t forget Ronco inc; the small British company that makes THE official ‘shop closed’ signs. They’ve opened three more plants this year! So stick that in your baguette and smoke it, frenchy!”

“Loan sharking is a growing business over here too. A desperate economy usually sees a downturn in new businesses, but if you look at how many businesses have sprung up in the last year alone that offer short term loans with minimal fuss and only one of your children as collateral, then you’d be able to see that Britain’s economy is just fine.

Cameron continued to camera, touching on Britain's police forces, “In the last few years we have considerably expanded our riot police. Some people might look at that and see civil unrest, but I see a need for truncheons, tazers and big hoses that fire out a river of mace at students.”

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“The manufacture of riot shields, body armour and bloody big rubber mallets to hit public sector workers with has more than quadrupled and guess what? We don’t import ALL of that from Egypt and Syria. No, our armour for police horses, our mace balloons, our rubber bullets are all made in the UK. It’s a booming business and under my leadership we will see this sector grow and grow and grow”

“Of course, the backbone of an economy is manufacture. Gone are the days when we lead the field in the automobile industry, I’m sad to say. BUT those nodding Churchill dogs and the air fresheners shaped like the ‘Go Compare’ opera singer are all made in these hallowed isles.”

“And you need look no further than Dragon’s Den to see that the spirit of invention is still with us. I can scarcely think of a day that passes when I do not use my dog treadmill, my chair that is also an exercise bike or my coffee table that plugs into my laptop”

Cameron went on to criticize Sarkozy’s attacks on British industry as a distraction tactic for the 1.6% VAT rise, which the French prime minister blamed on Eurozone instability, the low demand for fine wines and cheeses in a recession and the catastrophic trail of destruction left by Liam Neeson’s rescue missions which have cost the French authorities millions of euros through property damage and the departure of sinister sheikh investors

However, this latest feud between Cameron and the embattled Sarkozy could be disastrous for trade between the two nations, whose relations have been notoriously and historically frosty ever since Britain’s first broadcast of ‘Allo ‘Allo, a program described by the french as “A piss of oofull proopagandah. Oh hee haw hee haw”


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